Thoughts

I have not been blogging nearly as much as I have wanted to. It seems that life has gone from being simple without many demands into a fuller swing demanding schedule. I enjoy almost all that is happening in life right now, it is asking more of me but I am enjoying giving what I can.

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When approached by the idea of the process of grief being slow and tedious, I shyed away. I didn't want to have to even think about having to let go of something I had hoped I let go. The process of saying goodbye is much longer and more complicated then I could have ever imagined. But I am learning, slowly, very slowly.

She lifted her eyes from the steps that her feet were taking. Her eyes moved from watching the wildflowers blow in the wind to the beautiful big sky above her. It was vast, stretching farther then she could imagine. When her eyes had lifted to something so large and imense, she realized that she had been focused on something small and intricte. The wildflowers were part of her path no doubt, they were beautiful and noticing them was important. But sometimes, you have to lift your eyes up to see the larger picture. Details are important, holy pieces of ordinary life, but taking a moment to see in front of you, to grasp the enormity of all our stories is just as important.

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Saying goodbye is a small part of my story. A tiny piece in the chasm of a much larger story. I want to notice the holy detail, to grasp the beauty and pain in what is befalling my footsteps. But I also want to remember the enormity of the story. Pain, goodbyes, and grief; they are only paragraphs in the story.

Spiritual Food

"My food" said Jesus, "is to do the will of Him who sent me and to finish His work." John 4:34.

His words whispered to my heart. It was as if they jumped from the words on the page in this beloved gospel of John, into the depths of my heart. The words were lodged within me for awhile as I pondered them, asking questions of what Jesus was really speaking to and for what reason.

Food is something that we need on a daily basis. It is the staple for our energy, wellness, and wholeness - it shows our humanity. When Jesus spoke these words into motion he had just had an encounter with a broken woman by the well. He had spoken to her of the living water found within himself and ministered to her bleeding heart. After this, his disciples had come back to their teacher after an excursion to find some food. They returned with the food, expecting their master to be hungry but instead he would use this moment as a teaching moment, a time to step into their lives and help them grasp the enormity of the gospel.

It was as if he was speaking to my heart instead of to his disciples so many years ago. Just as he was showing them where they should be finding their daily staple, their way of wholeness, and energy to go about life in abundance, he too was speaking into my life. Reminding me of my need to be lodged within the will, heart, and words of Christ.

This was the message of the food, my humanity, and my need for a Savior.

Gifts of the Present

"Joy and laughter are gifts of living in the presence of God and trusting that tomorrow is not worth worrying about. It always strikes me that rich people have much money, while the poor people have much time. And when there is much time life can be celebrated... Money and success are not the problem; the problem is the absence of free, open time when God can be encountered in the present and life can be lifted up in its simple beauty and goodness." Henri Nouwen

Nouwen continues to be one of the most profound Spiritual authors in my opinion. I have been reading his books for the last four years, off and on, whenever I can get my hands on one of his books. I picked up four of his books at a used book sale the other week and have enjoyed reading them. This quote is taken from the book Here and Now.

In time it is as if God keeps prodding me with this aspect of time and simplicity. Showing me how important it is to have rhythm and rhyme to my life. I've learned that the most important things are not about jobs and money, but about relationship and growth in them. I admire my sister as she makes sacrifices right now in her life to make sure that her time is spent as a full time Momma. I see the difficulty of the transition for her family but I know that it is truly a gift from God that they can pursue her being a full time Momma.

I am enjoying these months of spring and summer without school. I'm excited for the upcoming fall, grateful for a graduate assistant ship and the freedom that brings into my life. God does provide, I'm learning to trust that and rest assured in his faithfulness.

The lessons of life, they never stop happening.

gratitude

I am thankful today for:

time with my sister
sunshine and thunderstorms
newly born neices
library books that are new and inviting
early mornings spent with Him and a cup of coffee

Book Review

I picked up Thomas Moore's book Soul Care when we were in Wellsboro for our honeymoon. It was in a used book store, I had heard good things about it before, so I decided to give it a go.

Moore was a Catholic Monk for twelve years and is an astute scholar. He hold three different degrees in theology, music, and pyschology. This book is his thoughts on how one can take care of their soul, how important it is to take care of your soul, and the lack of soul tending that is in society today.

I found this book intriguing. It dealt with some of the issues that I have been faced with in my own life and the desire that I have for beauty and simplicity. Moore writes on the importance of taking care of your soul through and sacredness. He writes of spirituality, how religion is sometimes not enough for the depth of the soul. There is a lot of retelling of mythical tales throughout, the stories of the greek gods. He interweaves the symbolism of these tales and what they tell us about living throughout the book.

The last three chapters of the book were by far my favorite and in my opinion the basis of the book. Within these chapters he writes of rythm, ritual, and connecting your head to your heart. There is a lot of writing about the sacredness in the ordinary and how we can experience that in everyday life. Moore says that "culturally we have a plastic espohagus, suited perhaps to fast food and fast living, but not conducive to the soul, which thrives only when life is taken in in a long slow process of digestion and absorption" (206). In this quote, Moore hits on the radical pace of American life, how fast we go without time for reflection and rest.

I think that Moore spends to much time in teaching how to understand dreams and the images that we see in our sleep. Although I do agree that our dreams do speak into our lives, I could have had a lot less of this within the book. His writing is at times weighty and hard to read through but all in all this was a good book. I would recomend this book if you were looking for ways to slow down, searching for your identity, or simply wanting to cultivate ordinary sacredness in life.

I shall end this with a quote that Moore has on how we can care for the soul through sacredness. He says that "To live with a high degree of artfulness means to attend to the small things that keep the soul engaged in whatever we are doing, and it is the very heart of soul-making" (285).

dreams, passions, callings...

While preparing for the confirmation class that V and I are leading, I found myself challenged. This specific lesson is on callings, based off of God's calling Moses and then the excuses that Moses offered God. The workbook as a place for the students to write about their passions, spiritual gifts, and personality. In preparing I did the workbook questions in my own personal journal. What poured from my heart challenged me, surprised me, and leaves me wondering what God is up to. This is what came from the pen held in my hand, I call it, the words of my heart.

My passions as of late, which in time have been developing, are children and horses. If I had no restrictions of time or money, the group of people or the cause that I would chose to work with are foster children. I want to give them a home, love, and nurture. I want to use horses as a means of therapeutic love for them. In the perfect world, I would have a home full of children needing a home and a barn full of horses needing rehabilitation. Giving both horses and children the safety and nurture that they need.

My beloved V would say that I am passionate about my faith, broken people, horses, the country and farms, family, and children.

My Spiritual gifts, according to a inventory taken both in college and recently, say that my spiritual gifts are:
Shepherding
Teaching
Showing Mercy
How the three of these will combine, I am not sure.

My personality is one that loves people. I enjoy the interactions of relationships and long to learn how to love people better. I like a good balance of relationships and stimulation intellectually. I love to learn and am best to be around when I am learning something in my life (which is rather easy because aren't we all students?). I love leading, and organizing. I like to write things out: goals, lesson plans, or creating curriculum.

In the end, this is how my passions, personality, and dreams were summed up:

My passion is for the country. For farms, fields, dirt, horses, grass, and the community of rural people. I want to raise children in this kind of place, where they can run, roam, and rest. I want to give kids who have seen neglect, abuse, or have just not known the reality of love, the opportunity to be in a safe and caring place - where they can learn to dream, thrive, and be fully alive.

These words came to my mind as I shaped this dream in my head: Simplicity,good nutrition, gardening, relationships with animals and people, reading, education, play, rest, books, saddles and bridles, freshly baked bread, the twinkling of stars, and the sound of peepers on a spring night.

This is not what I had imagined for myself ten years ago, but I feel inspired and motivated to continue to pursue the dreams that God has laid out for my V and I.

Settling In

Tonight was my first night making pizza for dinner. I had helped Mom before but never done it on my own. So I was determined tonight to make homeade veggie pizza. It turned out really well and Vince liked it, so I would say it was a success.

I had a job interview today that I think went pretty well. I am anxious to hear from them how it went and if I have the job or not. I am learning more of what it means to be still and wait. As hard as it may be, I hope that it is teaching me of a deeper and abiding joy found in the presence of Christ.

My heart yearns for the country. I wonder sometimes when this will ever go away, will I always long for the country? Where my toes can sink into the garden while I weed away the things that threaten the food I am growing, where I can come home at night smelling like a bunch of horses, when I can teach the children who need me, and finally when I can share dinner my own family. I try to silence these thoughts, to push away my desire to be in the place where my roots go so deep. But they persist in coming back... Someday land of by being, I will be back home.