What I am Learning

In a conversation with my Mom the other night, she asked about the life giving things in my life, and the things I am learning right now. Well, I can say I am learning a lot. Living with two toddlers has been wonderful and stretching all in the same breath! I love the girls, they are adorable, and hilarious. But they are also cranky and grouchy in the next minute. I love sharing the joys and sorrows of life with my sister. It has been fun being in the same place after so many years.

I am learning about gratitude. How to make the choice to be living a life full of gratitude and not bitterness. There is always so much to be thankful for and I find it easier to be bitter then grateful. I see this lesson as beautiful but painful. Richard Ruhr in his book Everything Belongs says that the real question in life is "what does this say to me?" This question is such a change from the way I want to normally think.

Silence and being pulled away from the world right now has been speaking to me about who I am. I am learning that my past still speaks into who I might be now. Old memories haunt me, people who I have not been able to find closure with appear in my dreams at night, sadness sometimes surrounds me as I wade through memories, faces, and old conversations. I have to face lost loves, relationships, and dreams. This is good, painful and complex but I know part of a greater healing process.

I am filled with hopes for the future, uncertainty surrounds me and I find it thrilling, frustrating, and scary all in the same breath.

There is much searching going on in my life. Not only for the tomorrow future but for the long term future as well. Its as if I am searching for my calling; seeking the call for the vocation I am to serve in. I realized that it has been since college that I have felt a clear calling on my life. It was the second semester of my senior year that it all changed. Do I return to that calling? Or has times changed to much for it?

I listen and wait. Ruhr offers this prayer:

Be still and know that I am God.

Be still and know that I am.

Be still and know.

Be still.

Be.

A Distant Music Begining to Swell

It stood, still in the bag that had kept it clean and away from the dust, dirt, and moths that had been ready to attack its beauty. It was stark, glimmering in the light, awaiting my presence. But I wasn't ready to go to it yet, not ready to put all the folds of beauty upon my body. I wanted to wait awhile, just gazing and beholding what would wrap itself around me when I met my beloved.



I moved towards it, tiptoeing across the floor, reaching my hand out towards it and brushing across the ivory fabric. Finally I was ready to put all the folds of satin on. Lifting my arms, the dress slipped onto my body, I squirmed until it fit itself in the correct spot. I lifted my blue eyes, soft with wonder, to the mirror and smiled at what I saw. This was a hint, a taste of what my beloved might see the afternoon that waited ahead of us in anticipation. This simple, but elegant dress made me smile from head to toe. I felt beautiful, exquisite, and ready to meet the one I loved.

I wondered what my beloved would think. What would his eyes behold when we saw me for the very first time? When my steps made their way down the aisle of the church, what thoughts would be going through his head? Would he see the beauty of the dress in the same way that I had? Would the folds of satin and sheer enrapture him, like it had done to me when I saw it for the very first time?


As the seamstress wove her hand through the material, adjusting the length and the fabric, pinning things here and there, I found myself continuing to think about this dress. All of this thinking and dreaming, trying on and seeing how it fit brought me to a great field of thoughts. It was as if in the moments of trying on this wedding dress that I was in fact trying on my new life, if only for just a minute. I kept thinking about what my beloved would see, think, and feel as we entered into this life together. As these adjustments were made, I reflected upon the last few months of transitions and preparations for this life to come. Like the seamstress pinning, tucking, and letting out, my beloved and I were making adjustments in our own lives. Learning each others quirks and then letting them be, seeing the needs that we had and then letting them be met, laughing as we reflected, dreamed, and hoped for the future.



I sighed, enjoying the last minute with the dress before I had to take it back and return it for the last few changes before our afternoon of celebration. Excitement rippled through me. Another step in the process of growing closer to my beloved. I had an opportunity to catch just a glimpse of what the future might be like with the one I loved. Like my dress, it was not perfect, it had to be hemmed, taken in, and let out in different places to fit me. Our life too would have to transition and change as we began to live our life together. Together, my dress and my reflections held promises of great things to come...