Witness of Love

Her dark eyes spoke of compassion and kindness, as soon as the children walked into the barn she would hang her head out of her stall ready to greet them. She had left behind a world of blue ribbons, traveling, large crowds, and high expectations to enter into this world of loving children and offering them a way to experience the world. She did her job without complaint, even when an angry child would kick her or hit her. Nothing fazed this beautiful mare even though her name was Scooter it spoke nothing to her personality. It was as if she knew that her impact on the children was great and was willing to give it. When I introduced her to a high energy young boy who was excited to learn how to ride and wanted to become a cowboy, I wasn't sure what the outcome would be. He wasn't sure how to communicate very well with people and hated any sort of touch but this little mare seemed to be different. The young boy soon learned what the social cues were that Scooter was giving him. A ear cocked behind meant that she was listening to what was behind her, a snort might mean that she was curious about something, and a flick of the tail usually meant there was a fly. Soon the on his way to being a cowboy student could read the sign and then tell me. It was remarkable. We began to explore how humans have social cues just like Scooter did. As time progressed so did his relationship with Scooter. They soon became buddies and he looked forward to his time with her once a week more then almost anything else. It was apparent that she had taught him something else. I noticed that one day when he came in and went straight to the horse that something was different. Instead of just petting her soft nose he was wrapping his arms around her neck giving her a hug and she was hugging him back. She had wrapped her head him and it was if she was holding him close. It was at the end of that lesson that he gave me, the instructor a hug to say thank you.

Change, Part I.

Defined by the Webster dictionary change is to alter or make different. For many of us change is an everyday reality in our lives in both sorrowful and joyful ways. Our lives are constantly being altered and we are always experiencing differences. Some larger then others. In the last three years of my life I have been shaped by changes, some dramatic while others slow and not always easy to see. I have fought change, cried because of it, and glowed in the joy of it. While it has been difficult and beautiful, each in its own moment I have learned so much from change. I want to share what I have learned about change because while in the midst of change its often easy to get discouraged and to lose sight of what is being created. Change has taken parts of me that were fearful and shaped it into courage, there have been parts of me that were angry and bitter that are still working on being shaped into forgiveness.

Families changing in numbers and shape, academia coming to an end, leaving friends and moving into a new phase in life, marriage, new jobs, all of these are some of the change that we face in life. All of these changes I have experienced in the last three years.

When things began to first shift it was like I got punched hard enough to get my breath taken away. It was painful to face the reality of what was when my family changed in shape, I had to recognize lies lived with for years and decide what I was going to do about them. This change ran into my identity and was wrestling with it to see who I was at the deepest core of my soul. I walked away bruised and bloody but knowing that my truest self was not based upon lies or broken pieces but upon the truth that I was the beloved of God. This face of change was the hardest thing I have ever faced in my life but the beautiful transformation of identity that comes from tragedy hides behind the shadow of pain.

And then there is change that soars like the peak point of music that is played by an orchestra. The change that happens when you open your heart and life to someone, when together you make a decision and commit to face life together, and then begin a life as a couple – that change is incredible. Beautiful in many moments, hard in other moments, but in the end the most life giving change I have made.

Many of us are experiencing change at this moment, even though we may not feel it. The waters may feel stagnated but I promise you they are not. Our God is the Creator God, the one who makes, shapes, and transforms us into the people He desires, people whose hearts are open and vulnerable to love. There is much change and transition in my life now, so much that it feels overwhelming but my desire is to allow the shifts that are happening to be molding a heart that is overwhelmed by love so much so that the only possible thing to do is love back.

Friends, let us feel change. The pain, the joy, the heartbreak of change leads us into the depths of being transformed by love and into His likeness.

Rainy Days

Rainy days make me happy. Most people like the sunny days, but I love the rainy ones... The best days are the ones when you wake up the the rainy gently falling on the roof. I sigh, snuggle under the covers for just a few more minutes, and then can't wait to get up because the thoughts of drinking coffee and reading a book are just to enticing.

Rainy days make me wonder about life a little. About callings and vocations. Dreams and destinations. Do callings last, even when you think they might have disappeared? I'm waiting to make a visit, hoping that seeing, listening, and meeting might be able to help me make a better decision but mostly open myself to hear the whisper of God. Maybe I have been to afraid to listen, maybe fear clogs eardrums just enough to not be able to listen. Practical didn't work and I found that out. Maybe callings come when you pursue what you love reading, writing, and talking about.

Maybe, just maybe, like Rich Mullins says:

I can't see how you're leading me

Unless you've led me here

Where I am lost enough to let myself be led

And so you've been here all along I guess

Its just your ways and you are plain hard to get.

-Rich Mullins, "Hard to Get" from The Jesus Record

I don't know. I really don't. And its a good thing, I think.

the beauty of gratitude

Abundance overflows even in times of uncertainty and transitions. Thankfulness overflows for:

-the change of season. I love the sight, smell, and taste of fall.

-rainy days.

-the beets we froze and canned today which were given by a friend.

-books and libraries. I have a boatload of books on horses, cowboys, and medieval knights right now.

-penned words.

-the friendship of Mothers.

-coupons and bargains!

What I am Learning

In a conversation with my Mom the other night, she asked about the life giving things in my life, and the things I am learning right now. Well, I can say I am learning a lot. Living with two toddlers has been wonderful and stretching all in the same breath! I love the girls, they are adorable, and hilarious. But they are also cranky and grouchy in the next minute. I love sharing the joys and sorrows of life with my sister. It has been fun being in the same place after so many years.

I am learning about gratitude. How to make the choice to be living a life full of gratitude and not bitterness. There is always so much to be thankful for and I find it easier to be bitter then grateful. I see this lesson as beautiful but painful. Richard Ruhr in his book Everything Belongs says that the real question in life is "what does this say to me?" This question is such a change from the way I want to normally think.

Silence and being pulled away from the world right now has been speaking to me about who I am. I am learning that my past still speaks into who I might be now. Old memories haunt me, people who I have not been able to find closure with appear in my dreams at night, sadness sometimes surrounds me as I wade through memories, faces, and old conversations. I have to face lost loves, relationships, and dreams. This is good, painful and complex but I know part of a greater healing process.

I am filled with hopes for the future, uncertainty surrounds me and I find it thrilling, frustrating, and scary all in the same breath.

There is much searching going on in my life. Not only for the tomorrow future but for the long term future as well. Its as if I am searching for my calling; seeking the call for the vocation I am to serve in. I realized that it has been since college that I have felt a clear calling on my life. It was the second semester of my senior year that it all changed. Do I return to that calling? Or has times changed to much for it?

I listen and wait. Ruhr offers this prayer:

Be still and know that I am God.

Be still and know that I am.

Be still and know.

Be still.

Be.

gratitude as a life

I am learning that no matter what circumstances surround you, gratitude is a choice.

On this beautiful fall evening I am thankful for:

Crisp fall nights when you have to wear a hoodie.

Husbands who love beyond measure.

Books.

Time to read, write, ponder, and reflect.

Adorable nieces who bring wonder and laughter into our everyday world.

I think that it should be easier. That things should fall into place as I want them to. Once I had made the leap of faith, things should just be what I had hoped, right?

How about wrong.

The days have been stretching me. Moving from our home to this place has been harder then I had thought. I had hoped my restlessness could be contained, that my need for being settled wouldn't be so great, and all the things that I had been struggling through would be gone. I knew that these things don't magically disappear but I guess I had hoped vainly that they would.

I realize that this last year has been one of deep wrestling, with my hopes, desires, and the unknown. My wrestling has not produced answers but only more questions. I have read an enormous amount of books, written pages upon pages, and had many attempts to try and find where I am to be in life.

Nouwen writes that "The question is not how many people take you seriously? How much are you going to accomplish? Can you show some results? But: are you in love with Jesus... In our world of loneliness and despair, there is an enormous need for men and women who know the heart of God; a heart that forgives, cares, reaches out, and wants to heal."

I know that there are whispers being said to me. Something far greater then I can imagine, but I am unsure of what is being said.

"What is next?" I keep asking myself. The question echoes through me again and again. When I am paging through religion textbooks, grading lesson plans, holding babies, and writing.

Can knowing and understanding your calling be this difficult?