Goodbyes

With boxes packed, pictures taken off walls, and much cleaning to be done I realize that now the time is coming to say goodbye. I hate goodbyes. The tears, the leaving, and wondering if you are ever going to have that moment in time again.

As I was thinking about goodbyes I realized that its been almost a year since I said goodbye to one of my faithful friends. He was a four legged guy with the kindest face you have ever seen. He would whinny at the sound of my voice and push me with his nose until I gave in and scratched his neck. We were an odd pair, he was a big horse with a big step, and I'm petite and my legs seemed to barely wrap around his belly when I rode him. But our personalities clicked. We worked together as a team, sometimes it was frustrating and sometimes we had exhilarating

moments of where it was like we almost thought alike.

Sadly, one day his curious personality may have gotten him in trouble when he came in from the field with a hurt eye. It was a long series of events but eventually he just got worse and worse. The hard decision came and the best choice was for us all to say goodbye.

The last walk we had together was the saddest, with each footstep I knew that I was beginning to say goodbye and thank you at the same time. With many kisses and hugs, I told this faithful beast the hardest goodbye I have ever had to make to an animal. I thanked him for the years of friendship, the long trail rides through woods and fields, the hard work of the semesters of equitation in college, and finally for all the ways he rekindled my love for horses on a daily basis.

Its almost been a year now. For weeks on end I would listen for the sound of his whinny. I would wait to see his brown and white face peek around his stall. I hated being back by his empty stall.

With time it grew easier but there is still not much I wouldn't give for a canter across a field on his back. Hawkeye taught me how to say goodbye. He gave me time for closure, time to reminiscence of times gone by, and he waited for me to hug and kiss him before he left our world.

Every time I face a goodbye, I think of this special horse and what he taught me. To hold the bitter and the sweet memories. To reflect and remember. Now as we say goodbye to this city and this home, I remember Hawkeye.

I picked up this beautiful little book right before we went on vacation because I had fallen in love with Shauna's first book Cold Tangerines . I was excited to read this book because it was dealing with change, transition, and finding God in that. All these things are relevant and real things in my life.

Shauna did an excellent job communicating in this book. I love that the book is written in sections, kinda like essay's. There were thoughts about the mishaps and pain in Shauna's life but also the wonder and the beauty of God in our everyday life. She encourages people to see the reality that life is a mix of sorrow and joy. Sometimes the sorrow seems to out wait the joy.

Pick up this book, its full of spiritual truth, great stories, and questions to ask yourself about who you are and what you are doing in your life.

Enjoy this book my friends!

Faithfulness in Change

I used to hate change. Well, honestly sometimes I still do. I am learning the depth and the beauty of change though and this time around its scary and exciting. More importantly it is what God is calling me to in this season.

I fight against control, I want to have things spelled out in an outline, to see what is in front of me, or at least to know how to get to what I want. This time I can't. All I know is that I have to move forward, even if it is one step at a time. Its frustrating, almost infuriating sometimes, the fear seems to rise up in front of me and I have to face it head on.

Every step I seem to move forward though, even if its only an inch at a time has been greeted by faithfulness in provision. Maybe is a kind word. A job interview. Or someone who has faced similar fears. God has always given us what we need for the next step. His heart is continually showing its goodness to me, his desire for goodness in my life is realized.

The steps this week have been filling cardboard boxes with books, clothes, all the things that make our house home. We have moved forward making plans. A bit of dreaming.

We have been greeted by faithfulness. And a Father who keeps showing us the heart of his love. Its a beautiful sight to behold. Maybe it had to happen through change.

Back!

After a week spent up north, where time is slower, the days chillier, and the food so delicious you never want to stop eating we have arrived home.

This week will hold lots of change, dreams to be dreamed, plans to be made. I am so excited. You have no idea!

I return to gratitude first, remembering the things I am grateful for.

Baby kisses from little nieces.

Returning to family memories and stories, locked inside precious trinkets.

Laughing until stomaches hurt about childhood mishaps.

God's faithfulness in provision.

Great Books! I read this beautiful book and started another book from my favorite author.

Headed North

Another Book Review

My love for writing often leads me down library rows with books stacked up to the ceiling, I love the smells of the books and the quietness as I carefully select the book I want to read. It was in a library that I found this treasure of a book by Anne Lamott. I've decided that I want to really grow my skills and love as a writer and found this book to be a great read for that.

Anne Lamott writes of her experience in writing in a witty way, she relates many of her writing experiences to everyday life. I found this to be inspirational. I love writing that captures the essence of life in the most ordinary circumstances. It takes a special person to be that aware of their surroundings and a creator to take these captures and paint them into a piece of writing people are interested to read. Anne Lamott is one of those special people. She writes of this, saying that "writing motivates you to look closely at life, as it lurches by and tramps around." If you have read Bird by Bird or are simply looking for another book to read, I not only recommend this book but also her book Traveling Mercies.

I know a good book when I have to have my journal and a pen close by to capture words from the book and pen them into my own journal to keep for my own. There were few times in my reading this book that I didn't have at least a few of Anne's words to pen into my journal. Many of the words that I borrowed from Anne spoke to the responsibility of a writers words, of the need to seek into your own shadows and write of life experiences. She writes, "you cannot write out of someone else's big dark space; you can only write out of your own."

Today as I gave back this small book full of wisdom and inspiration, I was a little bit sad. This is a book that I would love to have (and someday will) in my own library!

Being the Broken

When I was sorting through some books deciding which to get rid of (not very many!) I came across this book that V and I purchased earlier in the summer. The book is called Making Poverty Personal and is looking at the way that the Bible views those who are in poverty. I have only read the forward by Shane Claiborne and the introduction by the author Ash Barker and already my heart is broken.

Almost five years ago my heart began to break as I worked with people who had been devastated by hurricane Katrina. For the first time I saw what poverty looked like and realized that it wasn't always by choice that someone ended up in the situation that they were in. I learned of how fast one's circumstance can change and how little can be done to make things "better." From this time on I could feel God beginning a work in my heart. Little did I know that in a few years I would be teaching special education classes that had children from homes that were not in the best financial states. I felt the pain and joy of the children I worked with, gave many hugs and high fives, and in the end found that these children had changed my life.

Since then we moved to this new place and I began to wonder what opportunities God would plant in my life. I learned of my love for children and my heart for children who needed the love, support, and stability of a home and family. V and I began to talk of what it would look like to have foster children and a dream planted itself in my heart. Now as we talk of the changes that are about to take place in our lives, pack away our posessions, and rid ourselves of things we don't need I found myself distant from the dreams of offering healing to broken people. Then I randomly picked up this book.

Within three paragraphs I could feel my heart breaking again, an awareness of God speaking to me through the words penned by Shane. He writes in the forward "I have grown to love the kind of Christianity that is about loving people out of the hells of this world, not just trying to get them into heaven." Echoing words of my soul. Shane continues to write saying that "God is in the business of rescuing people from the hells they experience on earth, and God is asking us to love people out of those hells. God is asking us to taste the salt in the tears of the broken, to hunger for justice with the starving masses of our world, to groan with all creation in the birth of the kingdom of God. God is asking us to make poverty personal." Sometimes, in the midst of chaos, church politics, and the unknown future I forget about the hell I was redeemed from. I forget about the burning in my heart for the broken. And of the God whose heart of love for people is greater then my comprehension.

I wonder where this book will lead. I wait for the whispers of my rescuing Savior. And in the mean time focus on following His heart as I pack up our home.