Sufficiency

I wandered down the road this morning, hoping that the chilly fall morning would wake me up and give me energy to go about the day. I am still not sure if it did or not but what it did do was awaken me to the beauty even on such a dreary day of autumn and the brilliance that is brings.

As I walked I looked at the leaves that were above me, the road was surrounded with trees each bearing their own bright color. It was as if the dreariness of the day made the colors stand out in even more brilliance.

It reminded me that even when life seems to be gray and dreary in its own sense that their is still brilliance that surrounds me. An hour ago I probably wouldn't have written this, seeing the glory in the midst of gray isn't easy and most of the time is not what I want to do.

I was reminded this morning of the words that Paul penned when he wrote to the people of Corinth. He told that that His strength is made perfect in my weakness. I don't understand exactly what is happening around me. Its crazy, confusing, and frustrating but I know that His grace is sufficient for me.

Memories of Gone Days

What do you do with past times? How do you hold onto memories that overflow from the cup of life? That come out in moments when you least expect them.

Days of laughter and childhood bliss. Runs through fields, wading in creeks, sitting on top of hills and singing in the falling dusk, gallops on horses, dinners of joking with brothers and sisters, reading books on long front porches... I remember with a smile, but it feels like a lost life.

I see his smile, the bright blue eyes, the childhood innocence, and the way he made you laugh. Little brothers now turned into men, foreboding strangers who I can barely recognize and whose lives are separate from mine.

Goodbyes unspoken, no last touch or even eye contact. Nights of tears and sorrow, dreams dying, and grief overflowing. At nights when I am trying to sleep my dreams are haunted by faces I have never said goodbye too, memories of them rising and falling.

Pen in hand I write. And write. Does healing come with letting my life be penned onto paper?

Where To?

I was excited to read this article that was written by a good friend and my college professor. It made me return to the questions of church that I have long been pondering. I have been fascinated by the movement of the modern church, the possibilities that are being embarked upon, and the most fascinating of all questions of the theological embodiments that the church is going to take upon itself.

What is the church becoming? Where is the church going to head in a few years? Is the church to be a place of discipline and growth? Or a place of healing for brokenness? What is the path of the western church going to look like? Age old questions that need to be asked by the body of Christ today.

I find myself pondering these questions a lot lately, wondering of my own role within them...

sometimes it catches your breath

What does love look like? Can you see it in action? And I don't just mean in the romantic way that our culture is obsessed with, but something beyond that, something a bit deeper. My first witness to someone finding love happened in an unlikely place. It was where peace reigned in the nickers of horses and the laughter of children, where there was the sweet smell of hay, and the shy shadows of the sun shining in a barn. The barn and horses in it became a place of healing and restoration for people who suffered from mutiple different physical or mental disabilities.

His soft smile and bright voice were always things that I looked forward to seeing and hearing on a weekly basis. Every student that I encountered was special to me but there was something more stirring in my heart for this little guy, it was like a hope rising to give him the nurture through the horses that he couldn't recieve at home. The compassion I felt for his situation triggered an even greater desire in me to have his limited time at our barn be one that was life changing for him.

It was his school group's last lesson for the fall session when I began to realize that maybe there had been a change in this energetic, blond guy's life. The scene that I witnessed brought tears to my eyes as I watched it. Never had I seen love like this.

The bright reddish bay mare seemed to know exactly what the needs of the lonley boy in front of her were. Her head hung lower then normal just so he could touch her face and allow him to scratch the white patch of hair between her eyes. The nature of this animal was incredible, sensing this boy's need for love but knowing she how to meet them when I did not.

They walked together around the ring, just the two of them, while the rest of the class remained in the center of the ring either riding or waiting to ride. Somehow this unlikely pair had escaped into their own quiet world. He led her to the corner of the ring, farthest away from everyone else, as if here they could go unnoticed and communicated without interruption. They stood there for quite some time, her head hanging by his side. Sometimes he touched her face, letting the physical touch bring them closer but mostly it was just the presence of this mighty creature that filled his need for love. This special horse could love him without talking, her majestic presence was powerful but gentle, her breathe was warm on his cold skin as they just stood together basking in each other's presence like a cat stretches out in the most sunniest spot in the house just to have find the best place to enjoy the sun's presence. It was love, a deep love unlike the love that the world or humans could offer. Somehow, this beautiful animal could meet the need that his parents weren't giving him. She offered presence when his family couldn't, she offered him a powerful gentleness when the only power he had seen in his home was anger and rage, she didn't blame him when he couldn't quite get the communication clear but waited patiently until he figured it out. When the horse breathed onto the little boy's chilly face on that cold day, it was if the warmpth of her breath created a sense of love for this love hungry boy to bring into his own lungs.

I began thinking about all I had been able to witness, days after it had happened. For some reason the scene stuck in my mind, repeating itself as something beautiful and needing reflection. In my pondering, I heard the gentle whisper of my most faithful companion, Jesus. He began replaying pictures of my life in my head; times of him offering me a presence to rest in, of acceptance, of patient waiting; time for me to figure things out. Not changing, getting angry or running away. Just waiting...like the bay mare. Gifts, with no expectations or strings attached. A love experience, just like the one my student had with his horse.

Being a witness of that love experience was humbling. Watching a horse be used as the means of love that this child needed was amazing, touching, and inspiring. It stretched my imagination, my own sense of love, and made me realize just how deeply people need to be loved. Sometimes it may be people doing the loving or maybe even a horse.

Gratitude on a Rainy Day

"When good is found and we embrace it with abandon, we embrace the Giver of it... Every second is an opportunity to praise. There is a choosing to be made. A choosing at the moment. This is the raise habit. Finding God moment by revelatory moment, in the sacred and the mundane, in the valley and on the hill, in the triumph and tragedy, and living praise erupting because of it. This is what we were made for." - David Crowder Praise Habit.

The good I've be blessed with is to vast to name, but here is a few:

rainy days that inspire coffee and writing.

husbands that blog beside you.

quiet nights when all is at rest.

memories of children and horses.

the community of those that surround you in the past and present and those even who live at a distance.

finishing a book and starting a new one.

Witness of Love

Her dark eyes spoke of compassion and kindness, as soon as the children walked into the barn she would hang her head out of her stall ready to greet them. She had left behind a world of blue ribbons, traveling, large crowds, and high expectations to enter into this world of loving children and offering them a way to experience the world. She did her job without complaint, even when an angry child would kick her or hit her. Nothing fazed this beautiful mare even though her name was Scooter it spoke nothing to her personality. It was as if she knew that her impact on the children was great and was willing to give it. When I introduced her to a high energy young boy who was excited to learn how to ride and wanted to become a cowboy, I wasn't sure what the outcome would be. He wasn't sure how to communicate very well with people and hated any sort of touch but this little mare seemed to be different. The young boy soon learned what the social cues were that Scooter was giving him. A ear cocked behind meant that she was listening to what was behind her, a snort might mean that she was curious about something, and a flick of the tail usually meant there was a fly. Soon the on his way to being a cowboy student could read the sign and then tell me. It was remarkable. We began to explore how humans have social cues just like Scooter did. As time progressed so did his relationship with Scooter. They soon became buddies and he looked forward to his time with her once a week more then almost anything else. It was apparent that she had taught him something else. I noticed that one day when he came in and went straight to the horse that something was different. Instead of just petting her soft nose he was wrapping his arms around her neck giving her a hug and she was hugging him back. She had wrapped her head him and it was if she was holding him close. It was at the end of that lesson that he gave me, the instructor a hug to say thank you.

Change, Part I.

Defined by the Webster dictionary change is to alter or make different. For many of us change is an everyday reality in our lives in both sorrowful and joyful ways. Our lives are constantly being altered and we are always experiencing differences. Some larger then others. In the last three years of my life I have been shaped by changes, some dramatic while others slow and not always easy to see. I have fought change, cried because of it, and glowed in the joy of it. While it has been difficult and beautiful, each in its own moment I have learned so much from change. I want to share what I have learned about change because while in the midst of change its often easy to get discouraged and to lose sight of what is being created. Change has taken parts of me that were fearful and shaped it into courage, there have been parts of me that were angry and bitter that are still working on being shaped into forgiveness.

Families changing in numbers and shape, academia coming to an end, leaving friends and moving into a new phase in life, marriage, new jobs, all of these are some of the change that we face in life. All of these changes I have experienced in the last three years.

When things began to first shift it was like I got punched hard enough to get my breath taken away. It was painful to face the reality of what was when my family changed in shape, I had to recognize lies lived with for years and decide what I was going to do about them. This change ran into my identity and was wrestling with it to see who I was at the deepest core of my soul. I walked away bruised and bloody but knowing that my truest self was not based upon lies or broken pieces but upon the truth that I was the beloved of God. This face of change was the hardest thing I have ever faced in my life but the beautiful transformation of identity that comes from tragedy hides behind the shadow of pain.

And then there is change that soars like the peak point of music that is played by an orchestra. The change that happens when you open your heart and life to someone, when together you make a decision and commit to face life together, and then begin a life as a couple – that change is incredible. Beautiful in many moments, hard in other moments, but in the end the most life giving change I have made.

Many of us are experiencing change at this moment, even though we may not feel it. The waters may feel stagnated but I promise you they are not. Our God is the Creator God, the one who makes, shapes, and transforms us into the people He desires, people whose hearts are open and vulnerable to love. There is much change and transition in my life now, so much that it feels overwhelming but my desire is to allow the shifts that are happening to be molding a heart that is overwhelmed by love so much so that the only possible thing to do is love back.

Friends, let us feel change. The pain, the joy, the heartbreak of change leads us into the depths of being transformed by love and into His likeness.

Rainy Days

Rainy days make me happy. Most people like the sunny days, but I love the rainy ones... The best days are the ones when you wake up the the rainy gently falling on the roof. I sigh, snuggle under the covers for just a few more minutes, and then can't wait to get up because the thoughts of drinking coffee and reading a book are just to enticing.

Rainy days make me wonder about life a little. About callings and vocations. Dreams and destinations. Do callings last, even when you think they might have disappeared? I'm waiting to make a visit, hoping that seeing, listening, and meeting might be able to help me make a better decision but mostly open myself to hear the whisper of God. Maybe I have been to afraid to listen, maybe fear clogs eardrums just enough to not be able to listen. Practical didn't work and I found that out. Maybe callings come when you pursue what you love reading, writing, and talking about.

Maybe, just maybe, like Rich Mullins says:

I can't see how you're leading me

Unless you've led me here

Where I am lost enough to let myself be led

And so you've been here all along I guess

Its just your ways and you are plain hard to get.

-Rich Mullins, "Hard to Get" from The Jesus Record

I don't know. I really don't. And its a good thing, I think.

the beauty of gratitude

Abundance overflows even in times of uncertainty and transitions. Thankfulness overflows for:

-the change of season. I love the sight, smell, and taste of fall.

-rainy days.

-the beets we froze and canned today which were given by a friend.

-books and libraries. I have a boatload of books on horses, cowboys, and medieval knights right now.

-penned words.

-the friendship of Mothers.

-coupons and bargains!

What I am Learning

In a conversation with my Mom the other night, she asked about the life giving things in my life, and the things I am learning right now. Well, I can say I am learning a lot. Living with two toddlers has been wonderful and stretching all in the same breath! I love the girls, they are adorable, and hilarious. But they are also cranky and grouchy in the next minute. I love sharing the joys and sorrows of life with my sister. It has been fun being in the same place after so many years.

I am learning about gratitude. How to make the choice to be living a life full of gratitude and not bitterness. There is always so much to be thankful for and I find it easier to be bitter then grateful. I see this lesson as beautiful but painful. Richard Ruhr in his book Everything Belongs says that the real question in life is "what does this say to me?" This question is such a change from the way I want to normally think.

Silence and being pulled away from the world right now has been speaking to me about who I am. I am learning that my past still speaks into who I might be now. Old memories haunt me, people who I have not been able to find closure with appear in my dreams at night, sadness sometimes surrounds me as I wade through memories, faces, and old conversations. I have to face lost loves, relationships, and dreams. This is good, painful and complex but I know part of a greater healing process.

I am filled with hopes for the future, uncertainty surrounds me and I find it thrilling, frustrating, and scary all in the same breath.

There is much searching going on in my life. Not only for the tomorrow future but for the long term future as well. Its as if I am searching for my calling; seeking the call for the vocation I am to serve in. I realized that it has been since college that I have felt a clear calling on my life. It was the second semester of my senior year that it all changed. Do I return to that calling? Or has times changed to much for it?

I listen and wait. Ruhr offers this prayer:

Be still and know that I am God.

Be still and know that I am.

Be still and know.

Be still.

Be.

gratitude as a life

I am learning that no matter what circumstances surround you, gratitude is a choice.

On this beautiful fall evening I am thankful for:

Crisp fall nights when you have to wear a hoodie.

Husbands who love beyond measure.

Books.

Time to read, write, ponder, and reflect.

Adorable nieces who bring wonder and laughter into our everyday world.

I think that it should be easier. That things should fall into place as I want them to. Once I had made the leap of faith, things should just be what I had hoped, right?

How about wrong.

The days have been stretching me. Moving from our home to this place has been harder then I had thought. I had hoped my restlessness could be contained, that my need for being settled wouldn't be so great, and all the things that I had been struggling through would be gone. I knew that these things don't magically disappear but I guess I had hoped vainly that they would.

I realize that this last year has been one of deep wrestling, with my hopes, desires, and the unknown. My wrestling has not produced answers but only more questions. I have read an enormous amount of books, written pages upon pages, and had many attempts to try and find where I am to be in life.

Nouwen writes that "The question is not how many people take you seriously? How much are you going to accomplish? Can you show some results? But: are you in love with Jesus... In our world of loneliness and despair, there is an enormous need for men and women who know the heart of God; a heart that forgives, cares, reaches out, and wants to heal."

I know that there are whispers being said to me. Something far greater then I can imagine, but I am unsure of what is being said.

"What is next?" I keep asking myself. The question echoes through me again and again. When I am paging through religion textbooks, grading lesson plans, holding babies, and writing.

Can knowing and understanding your calling be this difficult?

Review: Invitation to Solitude and Silence

Ruth Haley Barton's book Invitation to Solitude and Silence was given to me as a gift and I was immediately excited to read it. I had heard great things about Barton's books, she also wrote another book Sacred Rhythms.

Normally when reading a book, I write all through it, underlining phrases that I like etc. But this book was different, it was so beautiful and made me ponder so deeply that I decided that I couldn't write through it. And I didn't.

Barton writes about the need for solitude and silence in a world that is so chaotic and busy. It is clear that Barton herself has had to face her own need to slow down in a chaotic world and she writes about that. This book is realistic when facing the difficulties that come in the development of the rhythm of being alone and silent. I found the advice that Barton presented to be simplistic enough to bring into my own life. I enjoyed the balance that she had in this book between her own story and then history/explanation etc. of this spiritual practice.

At the very end of this book I found myself being able to connect with Barton as she shared her own story of listening to the voice of God and the obedience then required. She writes of being in seminary in preparation for ordained ministry, while also balancing the role of being a wife and mother. In the midst of this the stillness of God spoke to her of calling her from the role of being in seminary into a role of being a spiritual director. This calling brought about a huge change in Barton's life. She writes that "the capacity to recognize the voice of God through the ministry of the Holy Spirit arises out of friendship with God that is sustained through prayer, silent listening, and attentiveness to all that is going on outside us, inside us, and between us, and God."

I'm discovering in different ways in life, how sometimes God calls us from what the world thinks we should be doing into something beautiful, often mistaken by the world for foolish.

If you are interested in spiritual formation, the practice of silence, listening for the voice of God, or if you are feeling caught in a chaotic cycle of life - you should check out this book. Its a beautiful piece of work.

Rising Hope

I write tonight with a heart that is feeling overwhelmed. Overwhelmed with the brokenness that surrounds us - even here, the beauty of the country, the love for all things simple, and the friendship of the one who loves me best.

Today, I went ahead and began a friendship with a compassion child through sponsoring them. I have followed Ann on her trip with Compassion, my heart was broken with the stories that she told of poverty and brokenness. I felt the tugging on my heartstrings, listened to the whisper of the One who redeems and whose love is more radical then I can ever imagine. Shaun wrote a beautiful song of our God who leads us out.

We made our way into the city today, the suburban filled with children's giggles and a baby's soft cooing. In leaving the beauty of the log cabin we have come to call home and the peaceful country roads, we knew that the city would bring different sights and sounds. But I am never fully prepared for what it stirs within me. In one of the most broken parts of the city we observed families; young mother's yelling at their babies, homeless people with a smile on their face, and children who should have been in school wandering the streets. I looked at my sister and we both felt the pangs of what shouldn't be. We saw, felt, and heard the brokenness of people all around us. We talked about the things we have in common with those who seem different then us, we talked beyond economic status and into the heart of humanity. At the end of this conversation we came to the conclusion that there is something happening in our lives.

God is speaking but we aren't sure what he is saying yet.

There is much translation to happen as we feel his presence and the movement of his Spirit in our lives. He is calling us, leading us, and giving us something new. Our hearts are being broken and then rebuilt with a love, passion, and desire to love those around us. Especially those who the world have deemed broken. My heart rises and falls with these passions, I am excited and breathless for what is to come. I know that He works in the most beautiful ways. And yet I am uncertain of how He is going to lead, unsure of what the next footfall looks like.

I'm overwhelmed. And grateful.

Excuses

I sit down to write finally. I seem to have found every excuse in the box to not write today. There was laundry that needed to be done, children that needed attended to, or a seemingly endless list of other things that needed my attention. I realize though that its not as much ignoring the other things that need my attention as it is me putting off writing. Why do I do this? I love writing, I love the way that words just flow from my heart, to my head, and then onto paper. Why do I dread the process of writing. Then I realize why.

Its because writing requires work. Hard and laborious work. I have to be present in the moment, aware of all that is going on in my life and in the lives around me. My heart needs to stop swirling in chaos and just settle, listen, and then begin processing. On days like today, its easier to pop in a movie, iron bunches of clothes, and stay tuned out.

Tuning myself out has been a task that I have accomplished quite well in the last few weeks. In the process of moving, re-adjusting, and all the newness that has been in life, I have tuned out the needs that I should be allowing God to meet in me. The rhythm of life that I long to have has not been fully established yet, so because of that my struggle with chaos is great. In the middle of that chaotic battle, I find it easier to just tune out to myself and ultimately to God. When in fact this is not only what he has called me to (this time and this place) but he wants to move in me through the process of change. If I am tuning him out, then I am shutting out any form of transformation that wants to enter into my life.

Radical Love

Her stories clog my throat with tears and fill my heart compassion. It is radical love in action.

Book Review: Shape of Living

I picked this book up when Christian Book Distributors was having awesome sales. It interested me because of the subject matter being spiritual formation.

This book ended up being a delightful read. It was both enlightening and challenging. I think that its easy for many spiritual formation books to all read the same or at least be similar in their format and content. Ford did a great job in creativity and his own works with this book. It was unlike other spiritual formation books that I have read. Ford cited authors who I had never heard of before, their quotes being so good that I wrote down their names to find further works by them. Some of them included: Etty Hillesum and Evagruis Ponticus.

Ford wrote in an honest format, not sidestepping hard issues within spirituality. He wrote on vocation and calling, soul shaping, our desires and how they work within us, joy and suffering, and finally resurrection. My favorite parts of the book were the chapters on suffering and joy. I found that Ford gave words to the feelings I am trying to balance at this phase in life. He spoke of the intertwining of joy and sorrow. He also wrote on the difficult time that we can have trusting in joy and good things in our lives. He writes that

Joy tests us by inviting us to be transformed by it. Most of us are deeply distrustful of the possibility of joy. There are good reasons for distrust: the yearning for joy opens us to repeated disappointments, and the world is full of deceitful or over-hyped promises of joy. To be transformed by joy means trust, even surrender and that is a massive risk.

If you want an easier read on spiritual formation, or have an interest in how God lives in the ordinary everyday life and how we can hear his whispers there - I highly recommend this book.

Meandering Conversations

We walked today through the woods, pondering and discussing our future dreams and thoughts on life. My toe kicked acorns out of my path and at some points I stooped down and scooped them up, fingering their delicate designs. It has been two weeks full of changes, goodbyes, and new starts. We have embraced them together and our working through the state of transition as a team. Our conversation went up and down, I shared my hopes and visions for the future. Dreams of country sides, farm houses, and horseback riding.

We talked about writing, teaching, and what community looks like. I realized

the blessing of him. The ability to have someone hear my dreams and push me to continue on in them. His heart heard my heart. Maybe this is what embracing change looks like. Its a process of opening your heart, allowing oneself to be vulnerable to another despite the unknown future. With each difficult step, there is also the reward of being heard, supported, and loved.

We ended our hike through the woods with a conversation on how then do we live? We have journeyed after God, moving from our townhouse, to this lovely log cabin with my family, and now where are we to go? How do we take this radical calling to follow the way of love, faithfully loving the people on our path, finding the presence of God our simple everyday life, and hearing his voice whisper to us, into perspective? Reading, contemplating, conversing, writing, and sharing what we are learning doesn't seem enough.

And so we continue to journey, choosing the path of gratitude so that our hearts and lives can be open to the whispers of Christ.

Promises

After a day of settling in V and I were in Philadelphia for the weekend. It was great to spend time away and with family.

With classes beginning I am reminded of my love for teaching and my love for academia. There is a buzz in the air when its time to teach, a stir of excitement in my heart. These beautiful days remind me of the fall months of teaching in Huntingdon. I miss those days, students, and horses. But I am reminded today of the promise that new beginnings hold.

I'm learning that in life there are different paths that you can chose to take when faced with transition and change.

Change offers a few different paths for us to choose to walk. We decide to walk the path of resentment and bitterness or instead to walk the path of gratitude and transformation.

Shauna Nequiest in her book Bittersweet talks about change, saying that:

"If you dig in and fight the changes, they will smash you to bits. They'll hold you under, drag you across the rough sand, scare and confuse you. But if you can find within yourself, in the wildest of seasons, just for a moment, to trust in the goodness of God, who made it all and holds it all together, you will find yourself drawn along to a whole new place, and there's truly nothing sweeter. Unclench your fists, unlock your knees and also the door to your heart."

I am learning the lesson of that right now in life. Letting my desire for control and an ability to map out my life, fall by the wayside. I have no idea what God is going to do, what things will look like, I have dreams, inklings, and hopes. But its in His hands.

New Home

And so begins this journey that we have thought, prayed, and shared with many of you about in the last few months. On Wednesday we moved to this new place where we are living in community with family. It has been challenging to pack up our belongings and move out of a home that we had made our own. It was much harder to move away from friends who had been our support system for the last few years. And finally in many ways we said goodbye to the dreams that had in that time and place, knowing that God is calling us to where we are now.

I am excited, so excited about the possibilities that lie around the bend. We are trusting that things will continue to move ahead as we trust God to put the pieces together. This story is becoming a lot about trusting when its the most difficult and returning to the foundational values that we are made up of.

There will be much more story telling soon, I promise.