Home is where the heart is, but what happens when you leave your home? Is your heart supposed to stay at the place that had been its shelter for so long?

The chilly November air quiets my soul and leads me to reflect on the thoughts of home and its impact on my life. All this thinking concludes what I had begun to think was true. I wasn't sure where my heart was if the quote I began this post with is true. A sense of place is important in my life, I long for the sense of home; rootedness, beauty, and family. But my heart is still in the place I can no longer call my home.

I long for its quiet meadows, bubbling streams, and the laughing filled meals around the dining room table. If I close my eyes and make myself forget the last few years, then I can imagine that I am back on our beloved farm. The smell of freshly baked bread still hangs in the air as Mom and a few of the girls bustled around the kitchen getting dinner ready. I can feel the stinging cold's imprint on my cheek from the sharp winds of the winter as I would come in from doing the evening barn work. But with a deep sigh my eyes open, I realize that this is just a dream.

And I ache for my farm to be back in our possesion. To claim its land for generations to come.

Maybe a new place can be found in the heart for a new home. It will never be the same but it might make a difference. With that final thought, my trust deepens in knowing that this world is not our home.

Born Again?

I've realized in the last couple of years I've become really uncomfortable with some of the language that is used within the Christian circles. Some of this is probably due to the different light that I saw things in at school and some of it I hope is due to the growth in my own faith journey.

The other Sunday I walked away from church and I found myself frustrated with myself because I couldn't be okay with some of the language and the attitudes I found in the Christian circle. I wanted to be okay with it because it was easier, but it just wasn't happening. Sometimes I feel like there is such arrogance within Christianity, we call ourselves the best and the only religion with this attitude that I am ashamed of. Then we add this whole "you must be saved" language which only adds to the sheer arrogance. All of this just kind of simmered in my thoughts for the past week or so and then I found some stuff today that helped me to sort through all of those feelings.

I've been finishing the book The Lost Message of Jesus by Steve Chalke and he addresses the very subject that I find myself so uncomfortable with. Chalke says that:

"Jesus didn't come to tell people how to become Christians. He didn't even spend his time telling people how they could join the church. Rather, he came to show them how to be human. He encouraged people to follow him, to become his disciples, to get re-connected to God and other people. Salvation isn't about having the right labels, it's about becoming truly and fully human. Its about living the way that God has created us to live, in harmony with him, each other and with the rest of creation." (155)

I really like this. That is the Jesus that I find myself falling in love with more and more every day. Its interesting how Chalke refers to the way that Jesus wants to show us how to be human. Iranius once said that "the glory of God is in the man fully alive." If you think through the whole message of the gospels, you can see how much Jesus longed to help us discover ourselves and what it meant to be human. Through love, courage, tenderness, reaching out, and actually touching people even when the world said not to.

What would the world think if this was the Jesus that we portrayed to them? That we showed them the love of Christ by being able to give them a vision of who they could be. That with Christ in their life they would find more satisfaction and an abundant life. It allows you to meet people where they are at, it allows people to see life as a journey - with some always moving closer to Christ.

I want to be done with the dogma and silly rules. I just want to lead people to an understanding of who they are in Christ and his unending love for them.

I spent the weekend away again. Seeing my sister and her beautiful little baby. The baby is precious. I got to hold her for quite awhile, well, every chance that my sister would let me have her. At one point I was holding her, laying on the couch because I was really sleepy and figured that I would take a nap. Anyhow, I just watched her for a little bit and babies are incredible. She is so tiny, but everything is perfect. She has these long fingers that seem to long for her body and this tiny nose that is just adorable. I am gushing, I know but I can't help it. This baby is beautiful and cuddling her makes me realize just how much I love kids. They are some of the most precious gifts that are given on this earth.

The rest of the weekend I got to spend catching up with friends. Always a good thing, but this time it was bittersweet. Its hard to reconnect and then have to disconnect. I am not really sure what God's plan is in all this. I think its leading to something but I am not sure what that is. I just want to remain aware of how he is working, leading, and pruning so I can see his presence in my life.

How much do you involve yourself in someone's life? How much do you invest in a person and do you only let one person get really close to you? All of these questions have come up in the last couple of days in different discussions that are had and I am so torn on this. My instict is to love. I want to love people with all that I am. I know its not really my love, but the love of Christ flowing through me but I want to be able to effectively love people. In the book that I was reading, An Arrow Pointed to Heaven it talks about loving people so that you develop the ability to see beyond the first layer in people. Pass the "I am doing good" answer to what is really going on in their lives. I want to know my friends, not just their names and what they like to eat, drink, and watch but to know their hearts. To know their joys, sorrows, and the things that you want to share with people but most of the time you keep hidden deep inside. Is this overstepping the bounds that humans are supposed to take? Can I be able to mantain good friendships with both guys and girls knowing their hearts?

I think that I can. My desire is to love those around me and be able to care about them, to let them know a piece of Christ as we share our lives with each other. I am not always sure where this desire has come from, I think that its developed over time and gotten stronger as I have grown older and journeyed a bit closer to His heart. Am I cheating myself and my friends though of relationships that they are to be sharing with the person that they end up with?

I have no answers for those questions. I want them because I want to know how I am supposed to love and care for those around me. Risking heart ache and being vulnerable aren't easy, sharing your heart with someone requires courage. But we all long for it. I know I do, anyway.

So I will keep pondering, trusting, and loving.

beginings

Have you ever wandered outside and suddenly are just stopped because everything is so beautiful? Today I had one of those moments. It was snowing, light, fluffy snow and as I just gazed around me I was struck by the wonder in the moment. You could have passed by this moment, probably faster then most moments but I was caught in the beauty of it. The stillness that the snow created was peaceful, the way the snow lay on the ground and the trees called out to be praised, and in my heart I lost my breath by sheer awe of the creation around me.

"This all has to mean something" my heart cried out, it was to amazing to not. As I kept thinking about that question, I realized that in fact it means so much and it was to remind me of that. The sheer wonder that moments like that create remind me of a very present God. It would all be to much to just have fallen in place without someone helping it come into place, seeing the nature around me always rocks me back to the truth that our God is a present one, not far in the distance or a god just watching from heaven. No, I was reminded that He is a God who is as close as my next breath, He shows Himself in many ways, one of them being the beauty of creation.

I can't imagine what my life would be like without those moments. They always bring me out of myself and make me see that there is something more, a cry for an abundant life.

I've written other blogs before, starting and then eventually deleting. They were trivial, bad writing, and silly content. I want this to be something more. Reflections of a ragamuffin who is constantly being shown how beautiful life is and even more so what a good, present God we have who is awaiting our awareness of Him.