Sufficiency

I wandered down the road this morning, hoping that the chilly fall morning would wake me up and give me energy to go about the day. I am still not sure if it did or not but what it did do was awaken me to the beauty even on such a dreary day of autumn and the brilliance that is brings.

As I walked I looked at the leaves that were above me, the road was surrounded with trees each bearing their own bright color. It was as if the dreariness of the day made the colors stand out in even more brilliance.

It reminded me that even when life seems to be gray and dreary in its own sense that their is still brilliance that surrounds me. An hour ago I probably wouldn't have written this, seeing the glory in the midst of gray isn't easy and most of the time is not what I want to do.

I was reminded this morning of the words that Paul penned when he wrote to the people of Corinth. He told that that His strength is made perfect in my weakness. I don't understand exactly what is happening around me. Its crazy, confusing, and frustrating but I know that His grace is sufficient for me.

Memories of Gone Days

What do you do with past times? How do you hold onto memories that overflow from the cup of life? That come out in moments when you least expect them.

Days of laughter and childhood bliss. Runs through fields, wading in creeks, sitting on top of hills and singing in the falling dusk, gallops on horses, dinners of joking with brothers and sisters, reading books on long front porches... I remember with a smile, but it feels like a lost life.

I see his smile, the bright blue eyes, the childhood innocence, and the way he made you laugh. Little brothers now turned into men, foreboding strangers who I can barely recognize and whose lives are separate from mine.

Goodbyes unspoken, no last touch or even eye contact. Nights of tears and sorrow, dreams dying, and grief overflowing. At nights when I am trying to sleep my dreams are haunted by faces I have never said goodbye too, memories of them rising and falling.

Pen in hand I write. And write. Does healing come with letting my life be penned onto paper?

Where To?

I was excited to read this article that was written by a good friend and my college professor. It made me return to the questions of church that I have long been pondering. I have been fascinated by the movement of the modern church, the possibilities that are being embarked upon, and the most fascinating of all questions of the theological embodiments that the church is going to take upon itself.

What is the church becoming? Where is the church going to head in a few years? Is the church to be a place of discipline and growth? Or a place of healing for brokenness? What is the path of the western church going to look like? Age old questions that need to be asked by the body of Christ today.

I find myself pondering these questions a lot lately, wondering of my own role within them...

sometimes it catches your breath

What does love look like? Can you see it in action? And I don't just mean in the romantic way that our culture is obsessed with, but something beyond that, something a bit deeper. My first witness to someone finding love happened in an unlikely place. It was where peace reigned in the nickers of horses and the laughter of children, where there was the sweet smell of hay, and the shy shadows of the sun shining in a barn. The barn and horses in it became a place of healing and restoration for people who suffered from mutiple different physical or mental disabilities.

His soft smile and bright voice were always things that I looked forward to seeing and hearing on a weekly basis. Every student that I encountered was special to me but there was something more stirring in my heart for this little guy, it was like a hope rising to give him the nurture through the horses that he couldn't recieve at home. The compassion I felt for his situation triggered an even greater desire in me to have his limited time at our barn be one that was life changing for him.

It was his school group's last lesson for the fall session when I began to realize that maybe there had been a change in this energetic, blond guy's life. The scene that I witnessed brought tears to my eyes as I watched it. Never had I seen love like this.

The bright reddish bay mare seemed to know exactly what the needs of the lonley boy in front of her were. Her head hung lower then normal just so he could touch her face and allow him to scratch the white patch of hair between her eyes. The nature of this animal was incredible, sensing this boy's need for love but knowing she how to meet them when I did not.

They walked together around the ring, just the two of them, while the rest of the class remained in the center of the ring either riding or waiting to ride. Somehow this unlikely pair had escaped into their own quiet world. He led her to the corner of the ring, farthest away from everyone else, as if here they could go unnoticed and communicated without interruption. They stood there for quite some time, her head hanging by his side. Sometimes he touched her face, letting the physical touch bring them closer but mostly it was just the presence of this mighty creature that filled his need for love. This special horse could love him without talking, her majestic presence was powerful but gentle, her breathe was warm on his cold skin as they just stood together basking in each other's presence like a cat stretches out in the most sunniest spot in the house just to have find the best place to enjoy the sun's presence. It was love, a deep love unlike the love that the world or humans could offer. Somehow, this beautiful animal could meet the need that his parents weren't giving him. She offered presence when his family couldn't, she offered him a powerful gentleness when the only power he had seen in his home was anger and rage, she didn't blame him when he couldn't quite get the communication clear but waited patiently until he figured it out. When the horse breathed onto the little boy's chilly face on that cold day, it was if the warmpth of her breath created a sense of love for this love hungry boy to bring into his own lungs.

I began thinking about all I had been able to witness, days after it had happened. For some reason the scene stuck in my mind, repeating itself as something beautiful and needing reflection. In my pondering, I heard the gentle whisper of my most faithful companion, Jesus. He began replaying pictures of my life in my head; times of him offering me a presence to rest in, of acceptance, of patient waiting; time for me to figure things out. Not changing, getting angry or running away. Just waiting...like the bay mare. Gifts, with no expectations or strings attached. A love experience, just like the one my student had with his horse.

Being a witness of that love experience was humbling. Watching a horse be used as the means of love that this child needed was amazing, touching, and inspiring. It stretched my imagination, my own sense of love, and made me realize just how deeply people need to be loved. Sometimes it may be people doing the loving or maybe even a horse.

Gratitude on a Rainy Day

"When good is found and we embrace it with abandon, we embrace the Giver of it... Every second is an opportunity to praise. There is a choosing to be made. A choosing at the moment. This is the raise habit. Finding God moment by revelatory moment, in the sacred and the mundane, in the valley and on the hill, in the triumph and tragedy, and living praise erupting because of it. This is what we were made for." - David Crowder Praise Habit.

The good I've be blessed with is to vast to name, but here is a few:

rainy days that inspire coffee and writing.

husbands that blog beside you.

quiet nights when all is at rest.

memories of children and horses.

the community of those that surround you in the past and present and those even who live at a distance.

finishing a book and starting a new one.

Witness of Love

Her dark eyes spoke of compassion and kindness, as soon as the children walked into the barn she would hang her head out of her stall ready to greet them. She had left behind a world of blue ribbons, traveling, large crowds, and high expectations to enter into this world of loving children and offering them a way to experience the world. She did her job without complaint, even when an angry child would kick her or hit her. Nothing fazed this beautiful mare even though her name was Scooter it spoke nothing to her personality. It was as if she knew that her impact on the children was great and was willing to give it. When I introduced her to a high energy young boy who was excited to learn how to ride and wanted to become a cowboy, I wasn't sure what the outcome would be. He wasn't sure how to communicate very well with people and hated any sort of touch but this little mare seemed to be different. The young boy soon learned what the social cues were that Scooter was giving him. A ear cocked behind meant that she was listening to what was behind her, a snort might mean that she was curious about something, and a flick of the tail usually meant there was a fly. Soon the on his way to being a cowboy student could read the sign and then tell me. It was remarkable. We began to explore how humans have social cues just like Scooter did. As time progressed so did his relationship with Scooter. They soon became buddies and he looked forward to his time with her once a week more then almost anything else. It was apparent that she had taught him something else. I noticed that one day when he came in and went straight to the horse that something was different. Instead of just petting her soft nose he was wrapping his arms around her neck giving her a hug and she was hugging him back. She had wrapped her head him and it was if she was holding him close. It was at the end of that lesson that he gave me, the instructor a hug to say thank you.

Change, Part I.

Defined by the Webster dictionary change is to alter or make different. For many of us change is an everyday reality in our lives in both sorrowful and joyful ways. Our lives are constantly being altered and we are always experiencing differences. Some larger then others. In the last three years of my life I have been shaped by changes, some dramatic while others slow and not always easy to see. I have fought change, cried because of it, and glowed in the joy of it. While it has been difficult and beautiful, each in its own moment I have learned so much from change. I want to share what I have learned about change because while in the midst of change its often easy to get discouraged and to lose sight of what is being created. Change has taken parts of me that were fearful and shaped it into courage, there have been parts of me that were angry and bitter that are still working on being shaped into forgiveness.

Families changing in numbers and shape, academia coming to an end, leaving friends and moving into a new phase in life, marriage, new jobs, all of these are some of the change that we face in life. All of these changes I have experienced in the last three years.

When things began to first shift it was like I got punched hard enough to get my breath taken away. It was painful to face the reality of what was when my family changed in shape, I had to recognize lies lived with for years and decide what I was going to do about them. This change ran into my identity and was wrestling with it to see who I was at the deepest core of my soul. I walked away bruised and bloody but knowing that my truest self was not based upon lies or broken pieces but upon the truth that I was the beloved of God. This face of change was the hardest thing I have ever faced in my life but the beautiful transformation of identity that comes from tragedy hides behind the shadow of pain.

And then there is change that soars like the peak point of music that is played by an orchestra. The change that happens when you open your heart and life to someone, when together you make a decision and commit to face life together, and then begin a life as a couple – that change is incredible. Beautiful in many moments, hard in other moments, but in the end the most life giving change I have made.

Many of us are experiencing change at this moment, even though we may not feel it. The waters may feel stagnated but I promise you they are not. Our God is the Creator God, the one who makes, shapes, and transforms us into the people He desires, people whose hearts are open and vulnerable to love. There is much change and transition in my life now, so much that it feels overwhelming but my desire is to allow the shifts that are happening to be molding a heart that is overwhelmed by love so much so that the only possible thing to do is love back.

Friends, let us feel change. The pain, the joy, the heartbreak of change leads us into the depths of being transformed by love and into His likeness.

Rainy Days

Rainy days make me happy. Most people like the sunny days, but I love the rainy ones... The best days are the ones when you wake up the the rainy gently falling on the roof. I sigh, snuggle under the covers for just a few more minutes, and then can't wait to get up because the thoughts of drinking coffee and reading a book are just to enticing.

Rainy days make me wonder about life a little. About callings and vocations. Dreams and destinations. Do callings last, even when you think they might have disappeared? I'm waiting to make a visit, hoping that seeing, listening, and meeting might be able to help me make a better decision but mostly open myself to hear the whisper of God. Maybe I have been to afraid to listen, maybe fear clogs eardrums just enough to not be able to listen. Practical didn't work and I found that out. Maybe callings come when you pursue what you love reading, writing, and talking about.

Maybe, just maybe, like Rich Mullins says:

I can't see how you're leading me

Unless you've led me here

Where I am lost enough to let myself be led

And so you've been here all along I guess

Its just your ways and you are plain hard to get.

-Rich Mullins, "Hard to Get" from The Jesus Record

I don't know. I really don't. And its a good thing, I think.

the beauty of gratitude

Abundance overflows even in times of uncertainty and transitions. Thankfulness overflows for:

-the change of season. I love the sight, smell, and taste of fall.

-rainy days.

-the beets we froze and canned today which were given by a friend.

-books and libraries. I have a boatload of books on horses, cowboys, and medieval knights right now.

-penned words.

-the friendship of Mothers.

-coupons and bargains!

What I am Learning

In a conversation with my Mom the other night, she asked about the life giving things in my life, and the things I am learning right now. Well, I can say I am learning a lot. Living with two toddlers has been wonderful and stretching all in the same breath! I love the girls, they are adorable, and hilarious. But they are also cranky and grouchy in the next minute. I love sharing the joys and sorrows of life with my sister. It has been fun being in the same place after so many years.

I am learning about gratitude. How to make the choice to be living a life full of gratitude and not bitterness. There is always so much to be thankful for and I find it easier to be bitter then grateful. I see this lesson as beautiful but painful. Richard Ruhr in his book Everything Belongs says that the real question in life is "what does this say to me?" This question is such a change from the way I want to normally think.

Silence and being pulled away from the world right now has been speaking to me about who I am. I am learning that my past still speaks into who I might be now. Old memories haunt me, people who I have not been able to find closure with appear in my dreams at night, sadness sometimes surrounds me as I wade through memories, faces, and old conversations. I have to face lost loves, relationships, and dreams. This is good, painful and complex but I know part of a greater healing process.

I am filled with hopes for the future, uncertainty surrounds me and I find it thrilling, frustrating, and scary all in the same breath.

There is much searching going on in my life. Not only for the tomorrow future but for the long term future as well. Its as if I am searching for my calling; seeking the call for the vocation I am to serve in. I realized that it has been since college that I have felt a clear calling on my life. It was the second semester of my senior year that it all changed. Do I return to that calling? Or has times changed to much for it?

I listen and wait. Ruhr offers this prayer:

Be still and know that I am God.

Be still and know that I am.

Be still and know.

Be still.

Be.

gratitude as a life

I am learning that no matter what circumstances surround you, gratitude is a choice.

On this beautiful fall evening I am thankful for:

Crisp fall nights when you have to wear a hoodie.

Husbands who love beyond measure.

Books.

Time to read, write, ponder, and reflect.

Adorable nieces who bring wonder and laughter into our everyday world.

I think that it should be easier. That things should fall into place as I want them to. Once I had made the leap of faith, things should just be what I had hoped, right?

How about wrong.

The days have been stretching me. Moving from our home to this place has been harder then I had thought. I had hoped my restlessness could be contained, that my need for being settled wouldn't be so great, and all the things that I had been struggling through would be gone. I knew that these things don't magically disappear but I guess I had hoped vainly that they would.

I realize that this last year has been one of deep wrestling, with my hopes, desires, and the unknown. My wrestling has not produced answers but only more questions. I have read an enormous amount of books, written pages upon pages, and had many attempts to try and find where I am to be in life.

Nouwen writes that "The question is not how many people take you seriously? How much are you going to accomplish? Can you show some results? But: are you in love with Jesus... In our world of loneliness and despair, there is an enormous need for men and women who know the heart of God; a heart that forgives, cares, reaches out, and wants to heal."

I know that there are whispers being said to me. Something far greater then I can imagine, but I am unsure of what is being said.

"What is next?" I keep asking myself. The question echoes through me again and again. When I am paging through religion textbooks, grading lesson plans, holding babies, and writing.

Can knowing and understanding your calling be this difficult?

Review: Invitation to Solitude and Silence

Ruth Haley Barton's book Invitation to Solitude and Silence was given to me as a gift and I was immediately excited to read it. I had heard great things about Barton's books, she also wrote another book Sacred Rhythms.

Normally when reading a book, I write all through it, underlining phrases that I like etc. But this book was different, it was so beautiful and made me ponder so deeply that I decided that I couldn't write through it. And I didn't.

Barton writes about the need for solitude and silence in a world that is so chaotic and busy. It is clear that Barton herself has had to face her own need to slow down in a chaotic world and she writes about that. This book is realistic when facing the difficulties that come in the development of the rhythm of being alone and silent. I found the advice that Barton presented to be simplistic enough to bring into my own life. I enjoyed the balance that she had in this book between her own story and then history/explanation etc. of this spiritual practice.

At the very end of this book I found myself being able to connect with Barton as she shared her own story of listening to the voice of God and the obedience then required. She writes of being in seminary in preparation for ordained ministry, while also balancing the role of being a wife and mother. In the midst of this the stillness of God spoke to her of calling her from the role of being in seminary into a role of being a spiritual director. This calling brought about a huge change in Barton's life. She writes that "the capacity to recognize the voice of God through the ministry of the Holy Spirit arises out of friendship with God that is sustained through prayer, silent listening, and attentiveness to all that is going on outside us, inside us, and between us, and God."

I'm discovering in different ways in life, how sometimes God calls us from what the world thinks we should be doing into something beautiful, often mistaken by the world for foolish.

If you are interested in spiritual formation, the practice of silence, listening for the voice of God, or if you are feeling caught in a chaotic cycle of life - you should check out this book. Its a beautiful piece of work.

Rising Hope

I write tonight with a heart that is feeling overwhelmed. Overwhelmed with the brokenness that surrounds us - even here, the beauty of the country, the love for all things simple, and the friendship of the one who loves me best.

Today, I went ahead and began a friendship with a compassion child through sponsoring them. I have followed Ann on her trip with Compassion, my heart was broken with the stories that she told of poverty and brokenness. I felt the tugging on my heartstrings, listened to the whisper of the One who redeems and whose love is more radical then I can ever imagine. Shaun wrote a beautiful song of our God who leads us out.

We made our way into the city today, the suburban filled with children's giggles and a baby's soft cooing. In leaving the beauty of the log cabin we have come to call home and the peaceful country roads, we knew that the city would bring different sights and sounds. But I am never fully prepared for what it stirs within me. In one of the most broken parts of the city we observed families; young mother's yelling at their babies, homeless people with a smile on their face, and children who should have been in school wandering the streets. I looked at my sister and we both felt the pangs of what shouldn't be. We saw, felt, and heard the brokenness of people all around us. We talked about the things we have in common with those who seem different then us, we talked beyond economic status and into the heart of humanity. At the end of this conversation we came to the conclusion that there is something happening in our lives.

God is speaking but we aren't sure what he is saying yet.

There is much translation to happen as we feel his presence and the movement of his Spirit in our lives. He is calling us, leading us, and giving us something new. Our hearts are being broken and then rebuilt with a love, passion, and desire to love those around us. Especially those who the world have deemed broken. My heart rises and falls with these passions, I am excited and breathless for what is to come. I know that He works in the most beautiful ways. And yet I am uncertain of how He is going to lead, unsure of what the next footfall looks like.

I'm overwhelmed. And grateful.

Excuses

I sit down to write finally. I seem to have found every excuse in the box to not write today. There was laundry that needed to be done, children that needed attended to, or a seemingly endless list of other things that needed my attention. I realize though that its not as much ignoring the other things that need my attention as it is me putting off writing. Why do I do this? I love writing, I love the way that words just flow from my heart, to my head, and then onto paper. Why do I dread the process of writing. Then I realize why.

Its because writing requires work. Hard and laborious work. I have to be present in the moment, aware of all that is going on in my life and in the lives around me. My heart needs to stop swirling in chaos and just settle, listen, and then begin processing. On days like today, its easier to pop in a movie, iron bunches of clothes, and stay tuned out.

Tuning myself out has been a task that I have accomplished quite well in the last few weeks. In the process of moving, re-adjusting, and all the newness that has been in life, I have tuned out the needs that I should be allowing God to meet in me. The rhythm of life that I long to have has not been fully established yet, so because of that my struggle with chaos is great. In the middle of that chaotic battle, I find it easier to just tune out to myself and ultimately to God. When in fact this is not only what he has called me to (this time and this place) but he wants to move in me through the process of change. If I am tuning him out, then I am shutting out any form of transformation that wants to enter into my life.

Radical Love

Her stories clog my throat with tears and fill my heart compassion. It is radical love in action.

Book Review: Shape of Living

I picked this book up when Christian Book Distributors was having awesome sales. It interested me because of the subject matter being spiritual formation.

This book ended up being a delightful read. It was both enlightening and challenging. I think that its easy for many spiritual formation books to all read the same or at least be similar in their format and content. Ford did a great job in creativity and his own works with this book. It was unlike other spiritual formation books that I have read. Ford cited authors who I had never heard of before, their quotes being so good that I wrote down their names to find further works by them. Some of them included: Etty Hillesum and Evagruis Ponticus.

Ford wrote in an honest format, not sidestepping hard issues within spirituality. He wrote on vocation and calling, soul shaping, our desires and how they work within us, joy and suffering, and finally resurrection. My favorite parts of the book were the chapters on suffering and joy. I found that Ford gave words to the feelings I am trying to balance at this phase in life. He spoke of the intertwining of joy and sorrow. He also wrote on the difficult time that we can have trusting in joy and good things in our lives. He writes that

Joy tests us by inviting us to be transformed by it. Most of us are deeply distrustful of the possibility of joy. There are good reasons for distrust: the yearning for joy opens us to repeated disappointments, and the world is full of deceitful or over-hyped promises of joy. To be transformed by joy means trust, even surrender and that is a massive risk.

If you want an easier read on spiritual formation, or have an interest in how God lives in the ordinary everyday life and how we can hear his whispers there - I highly recommend this book.

Meandering Conversations

We walked today through the woods, pondering and discussing our future dreams and thoughts on life. My toe kicked acorns out of my path and at some points I stooped down and scooped them up, fingering their delicate designs. It has been two weeks full of changes, goodbyes, and new starts. We have embraced them together and our working through the state of transition as a team. Our conversation went up and down, I shared my hopes and visions for the future. Dreams of country sides, farm houses, and horseback riding.

We talked about writing, teaching, and what community looks like. I realized

the blessing of him. The ability to have someone hear my dreams and push me to continue on in them. His heart heard my heart. Maybe this is what embracing change looks like. Its a process of opening your heart, allowing oneself to be vulnerable to another despite the unknown future. With each difficult step, there is also the reward of being heard, supported, and loved.

We ended our hike through the woods with a conversation on how then do we live? We have journeyed after God, moving from our townhouse, to this lovely log cabin with my family, and now where are we to go? How do we take this radical calling to follow the way of love, faithfully loving the people on our path, finding the presence of God our simple everyday life, and hearing his voice whisper to us, into perspective? Reading, contemplating, conversing, writing, and sharing what we are learning doesn't seem enough.

And so we continue to journey, choosing the path of gratitude so that our hearts and lives can be open to the whispers of Christ.

Promises

After a day of settling in V and I were in Philadelphia for the weekend. It was great to spend time away and with family.

With classes beginning I am reminded of my love for teaching and my love for academia. There is a buzz in the air when its time to teach, a stir of excitement in my heart. These beautiful days remind me of the fall months of teaching in Huntingdon. I miss those days, students, and horses. But I am reminded today of the promise that new beginnings hold.

I'm learning that in life there are different paths that you can chose to take when faced with transition and change.

Change offers a few different paths for us to choose to walk. We decide to walk the path of resentment and bitterness or instead to walk the path of gratitude and transformation.

Shauna Nequiest in her book Bittersweet talks about change, saying that:

"If you dig in and fight the changes, they will smash you to bits. They'll hold you under, drag you across the rough sand, scare and confuse you. But if you can find within yourself, in the wildest of seasons, just for a moment, to trust in the goodness of God, who made it all and holds it all together, you will find yourself drawn along to a whole new place, and there's truly nothing sweeter. Unclench your fists, unlock your knees and also the door to your heart."

I am learning the lesson of that right now in life. Letting my desire for control and an ability to map out my life, fall by the wayside. I have no idea what God is going to do, what things will look like, I have dreams, inklings, and hopes. But its in His hands.

New Home

And so begins this journey that we have thought, prayed, and shared with many of you about in the last few months. On Wednesday we moved to this new place where we are living in community with family. It has been challenging to pack up our belongings and move out of a home that we had made our own. It was much harder to move away from friends who had been our support system for the last few years. And finally in many ways we said goodbye to the dreams that had in that time and place, knowing that God is calling us to where we are now.

I am excited, so excited about the possibilities that lie around the bend. We are trusting that things will continue to move ahead as we trust God to put the pieces together. This story is becoming a lot about trusting when its the most difficult and returning to the foundational values that we are made up of.

There will be much more story telling soon, I promise.

Goodbyes

With boxes packed, pictures taken off walls, and much cleaning to be done I realize that now the time is coming to say goodbye. I hate goodbyes. The tears, the leaving, and wondering if you are ever going to have that moment in time again.

As I was thinking about goodbyes I realized that its been almost a year since I said goodbye to one of my faithful friends. He was a four legged guy with the kindest face you have ever seen. He would whinny at the sound of my voice and push me with his nose until I gave in and scratched his neck. We were an odd pair, he was a big horse with a big step, and I'm petite and my legs seemed to barely wrap around his belly when I rode him. But our personalities clicked. We worked together as a team, sometimes it was frustrating and sometimes we had exhilarating

moments of where it was like we almost thought alike.

Sadly, one day his curious personality may have gotten him in trouble when he came in from the field with a hurt eye. It was a long series of events but eventually he just got worse and worse. The hard decision came and the best choice was for us all to say goodbye.

The last walk we had together was the saddest, with each footstep I knew that I was beginning to say goodbye and thank you at the same time. With many kisses and hugs, I told this faithful beast the hardest goodbye I have ever had to make to an animal. I thanked him for the years of friendship, the long trail rides through woods and fields, the hard work of the semesters of equitation in college, and finally for all the ways he rekindled my love for horses on a daily basis.

Its almost been a year now. For weeks on end I would listen for the sound of his whinny. I would wait to see his brown and white face peek around his stall. I hated being back by his empty stall.

With time it grew easier but there is still not much I wouldn't give for a canter across a field on his back. Hawkeye taught me how to say goodbye. He gave me time for closure, time to reminiscence of times gone by, and he waited for me to hug and kiss him before he left our world.

Every time I face a goodbye, I think of this special horse and what he taught me. To hold the bitter and the sweet memories. To reflect and remember. Now as we say goodbye to this city and this home, I remember Hawkeye.

I picked up this beautiful little book right before we went on vacation because I had fallen in love with Shauna's first book Cold Tangerines . I was excited to read this book because it was dealing with change, transition, and finding God in that. All these things are relevant and real things in my life.

Shauna did an excellent job communicating in this book. I love that the book is written in sections, kinda like essay's. There were thoughts about the mishaps and pain in Shauna's life but also the wonder and the beauty of God in our everyday life. She encourages people to see the reality that life is a mix of sorrow and joy. Sometimes the sorrow seems to out wait the joy.

Pick up this book, its full of spiritual truth, great stories, and questions to ask yourself about who you are and what you are doing in your life.

Enjoy this book my friends!

Faithfulness in Change

I used to hate change. Well, honestly sometimes I still do. I am learning the depth and the beauty of change though and this time around its scary and exciting. More importantly it is what God is calling me to in this season.

I fight against control, I want to have things spelled out in an outline, to see what is in front of me, or at least to know how to get to what I want. This time I can't. All I know is that I have to move forward, even if it is one step at a time. Its frustrating, almost infuriating sometimes, the fear seems to rise up in front of me and I have to face it head on.

Every step I seem to move forward though, even if its only an inch at a time has been greeted by faithfulness in provision. Maybe is a kind word. A job interview. Or someone who has faced similar fears. God has always given us what we need for the next step. His heart is continually showing its goodness to me, his desire for goodness in my life is realized.

The steps this week have been filling cardboard boxes with books, clothes, all the things that make our house home. We have moved forward making plans. A bit of dreaming.

We have been greeted by faithfulness. And a Father who keeps showing us the heart of his love. Its a beautiful sight to behold. Maybe it had to happen through change.

Back!

After a week spent up north, where time is slower, the days chillier, and the food so delicious you never want to stop eating we have arrived home.

This week will hold lots of change, dreams to be dreamed, plans to be made. I am so excited. You have no idea!

I return to gratitude first, remembering the things I am grateful for.

Baby kisses from little nieces.

Returning to family memories and stories, locked inside precious trinkets.

Laughing until stomaches hurt about childhood mishaps.

God's faithfulness in provision.

Great Books! I read this beautiful book and started another book from my favorite author.

Headed North

Another Book Review

My love for writing often leads me down library rows with books stacked up to the ceiling, I love the smells of the books and the quietness as I carefully select the book I want to read. It was in a library that I found this treasure of a book by Anne Lamott. I've decided that I want to really grow my skills and love as a writer and found this book to be a great read for that.

Anne Lamott writes of her experience in writing in a witty way, she relates many of her writing experiences to everyday life. I found this to be inspirational. I love writing that captures the essence of life in the most ordinary circumstances. It takes a special person to be that aware of their surroundings and a creator to take these captures and paint them into a piece of writing people are interested to read. Anne Lamott is one of those special people. She writes of this, saying that "writing motivates you to look closely at life, as it lurches by and tramps around." If you have read Bird by Bird or are simply looking for another book to read, I not only recommend this book but also her book Traveling Mercies.

I know a good book when I have to have my journal and a pen close by to capture words from the book and pen them into my own journal to keep for my own. There were few times in my reading this book that I didn't have at least a few of Anne's words to pen into my journal. Many of the words that I borrowed from Anne spoke to the responsibility of a writers words, of the need to seek into your own shadows and write of life experiences. She writes, "you cannot write out of someone else's big dark space; you can only write out of your own."

Today as I gave back this small book full of wisdom and inspiration, I was a little bit sad. This is a book that I would love to have (and someday will) in my own library!

Being the Broken

When I was sorting through some books deciding which to get rid of (not very many!) I came across this book that V and I purchased earlier in the summer. The book is called Making Poverty Personal and is looking at the way that the Bible views those who are in poverty. I have only read the forward by Shane Claiborne and the introduction by the author Ash Barker and already my heart is broken.

Almost five years ago my heart began to break as I worked with people who had been devastated by hurricane Katrina. For the first time I saw what poverty looked like and realized that it wasn't always by choice that someone ended up in the situation that they were in. I learned of how fast one's circumstance can change and how little can be done to make things "better." From this time on I could feel God beginning a work in my heart. Little did I know that in a few years I would be teaching special education classes that had children from homes that were not in the best financial states. I felt the pain and joy of the children I worked with, gave many hugs and high fives, and in the end found that these children had changed my life.

Since then we moved to this new place and I began to wonder what opportunities God would plant in my life. I learned of my love for children and my heart for children who needed the love, support, and stability of a home and family. V and I began to talk of what it would look like to have foster children and a dream planted itself in my heart. Now as we talk of the changes that are about to take place in our lives, pack away our posessions, and rid ourselves of things we don't need I found myself distant from the dreams of offering healing to broken people. Then I randomly picked up this book.

Within three paragraphs I could feel my heart breaking again, an awareness of God speaking to me through the words penned by Shane. He writes in the forward "I have grown to love the kind of Christianity that is about loving people out of the hells of this world, not just trying to get them into heaven." Echoing words of my soul. Shane continues to write saying that "God is in the business of rescuing people from the hells they experience on earth, and God is asking us to love people out of those hells. God is asking us to taste the salt in the tears of the broken, to hunger for justice with the starving masses of our world, to groan with all creation in the birth of the kingdom of God. God is asking us to make poverty personal." Sometimes, in the midst of chaos, church politics, and the unknown future I forget about the hell I was redeemed from. I forget about the burning in my heart for the broken. And of the God whose heart of love for people is greater then my comprehension.

I wonder where this book will lead. I wait for the whispers of my rescuing Savior. And in the mean time focus on following His heart as I pack up our home.

A Quiet Place for the Soul

As soon as I arrive at my Mom's house there is always one place that I want to go. For some people this might be their room, Mom's kitchen, or to the family room to catch the latest sports scores. Not me. The one place I want to go is the barn.

I wander down the driveway, past the pond where there used to be a family of geese. Thank goodness they are gone. They used to try and make the walk from the house to the barn a living hell for me. I can already anticipate what the barn will be like. The sights, smells, and the sound of my horse's greeting me. As I round the corner I see them waiting for me already. Heads hanging over their stall guards, I hear whinnies and nickers, horse's awaiting someone to come and fill their buckets with grain.

As I run my fingers through the bay's forelock and kiss her soft nose I know I have come home. My fingers don't have to wait to be told, I immediately start scratching and rubbing this beast in front of me. The smell of hay and sawdust fill my nose, I welcome the smells, I am used to it enough that I don't consider horse's smelly.

When I am not around my own horse's or have my own barn to meander through I think about the experience of having horse's on your own property. There is nothing like it. It brings a sense of home for me, a rhythm to daily life, and being around these gentle giants brings peace to my soul. If you have had horses then you know exactly what I am talking about.

Knowing that this brings quiet to my soul in a chaotic world and V loves being in the country, we move forward into the future praying for this dream to come true.

Book Review: How Much is Enough

I picked up Arthur Simon's book How Much is Enough? at a book sale in Maryland a few weeks ago. It got my attention from its title and the questions that are raised from it. Simon asks some of the questions that have been on my heart for quite some time now. He raises issues with the some of the ideas of American Culture and questions their Kingdom value.

This book proved to be a good read, I enjoyed the content, it wasn't the most challenging academic read that I have had but I enjoyed the flow. Simon does a lot of citing other sources in the book and telling the stories of those who have lived simple lives. I enjoyed hearing all the different stories and having a better understanding of the spiritual lives.

Reading this book has renewed my love for people. I have come to a deeper understanding of the ways in which people might reach poverty, most of the time it isn't by choice or by lack of effort. In reading this book I found within myself this desire to open our house and hearts to foster children. To not just talk about the need for change but to take actions necessary for change. In the last few years God has been laying this on my heart, I've been discovering this desire again and again. Who knows where it might lead.

Simon quotes Richard Foster in one of his chapters talking about how simplification of life is not done just because but out of a love for God and man. He quotes Foster as saying "The Christian life comes not by gritting our teeth but by falling in love." Beautiful.

If you are curious about some of the influence of a materialistic society and how that might influence our ordinary lives then I recommend that you pick up a copy of this book. You can also get it here.

Gratitude Overflowing

After a full week and weekend I am full of thankfulness despite being tired. Here goes the things I am most grateful for:

A husband who helps me figure out blog buttons and layouts.

Family who dreams right along with you.

Phone calls from good friends who live miles away.

The peace of stepping out in faith to follow a God of goodness.

Beginnings, the Middle, and Endings

Every story in life has a beginning, middle, and an end. I am convinced of the same in life. We move through seasons with them eventually ending, both literally through the year and symbolically in time. I think that we are arriving at an end right now and anticipating a future. There are many thoughts of excitement and preparation as well as uncertainty with how things will figure themselves out.

The beginning for us was our relationship together, in December we began life together in Chambersburg as an engaged couple. We have faced many joys together, dancing through the sheer bliss of our wedding, laughing with friends and sharing conversation over coffee's, we began the phase of graduate school on my end and V's job as a youth pastor with much anticipation. Arriving at the middle, we lived and learned. Our growth individually and as a couple was great. I learned that my true love is teaching and horses. Combined they bring me life and energy, its where I want to be. V learned where his own passion lies in teaching. Now we are making choices that are leading to an end and another new beginning. Don't you love that there are plenty of new beginnings?

I have learned that there is much fear in our culture of the unknown. A sense of adventure is something in the rare as of late. As we move into an uncharted path, we realize that there is much uncertainty and we embrace that. My identity cannot be shaped in my life as a graduate student or employee. Placing my security in something other then my belovedness as God's child and living life from that is something I have grown in and have more growing to do. V and I have realized that we both desire family in our lives, not in the shape of children yet, but in sharing the ordinariness of life with those who have been a part of our lives from the beginning. The bond of parent and child; siblings; and those who are like family is underestimated.

I step forward, a bit uncertain of the ground, but trusting the voice that is calling to me in the distance. I know its a voice that I can fully trust. And so I move after His voice.

Fast Approaching

Putting words into actions isn't always easy. I am just beginning to learn the power of this. Today begins a whole new adventure into the unknown.

Its good. Scary. Totally crazy. and worrisome. But we are being led by one greater then us.

Even in times of chaos and uncertainty, I am reminded that gratefulness is a choice that I can make daily. Even when its not easy.

Today, I am grateful for:

Early morning coffee with a friend, sharing the uncertainties and joys of life.

A clean house.

Weekends in the country with riding horses through fields and woods.

Conversations with a Mother who has become one of my closest friends.

The faithfulness of an Abba even when I don't know what tomorrow might bring.

Dreams, hopes, and anticipation of future days.

Expectation

I press my hand to my stomach in the same way that a pregnant Mother might be feeling the baby kick inside her. I don't press to feel a child but to feel the sense of expectancy within my being. Just as a storm brews before the thunder starts clapping, my senses tell me that change is on its way. I can feel its breeze blowing through my soul restlessly, reminding me that stagnation is not a place to remain in. It swirls around me when I sit quietly in my familiar easy chair with a cup of coffee in hand, as my pen writes the words of my soul, I can hear the change that is ready to spring from the words into action. As my hands knead the bread that will nourish our bodies, strengthening then for the tasks that might be at hand, I see how I am awaiting the transformation like the dough I am kneading awaits its transformation into a formed loaf. All around me I sense this change, waiting to spring into my life and make all things new.

Simone Weil, an ancient mystic once wrote that “Waiting patiently in expectation is the foundation of the Spiritual life.” As I penned these words into my journal only a few days ago, I pondered their meaning, marveling that words penned so long ago would be true in my life right now in this time and this place. I realized that I waited like an expectant Mother who is nearing the time of her child's birth. The same joy that wells within the heart of a Mother at the thought of meeting this child that she has carried within her for nine months, wells within my soul at the hope of what is to come.

Dreams which have been dreamed for years before this time rise up within my soul again. What I had thought was broken into bits to small to piece back together, suddenly rises up, crushed but not broken. In many ways there is fear within this change involving dreams of the past, how can I trust the author of them to be good when I have seen them bring disappointment and sorrow? As a Mother faces the unknown of what the birth and delivery of her child into the world, we to face this newness, this change, with a sense of fear. We have yet to see its path, it is uncharted, our feet do not know where the roots and holes are. Sometimes we must stumble into them before we know where they are.

Together, a friend and I pondered the unknown change that might be in front of us. Unknown futures and plans lie before us in their mysterious way. We realize that the world around us might think that we are crazy as we make decisions to make way for this change. We seek not only the company of each other, but the company of one who has journeyed through the deepest places of the unknown. Our Pilgrim guide promises to walk beside us the entire way, shining his light so that we might not stumble on the roots or holes on the path. He promises and is faithful.

Like a young Mother journeying into the path of parenthood, we too journey into the sea of the unknown, trusting our guide to lead us. We might face some stormy waters, but the sights we are to see and the beauty we are to behold will sweep upon us in ordinary ways. And so we journey onward, with the restless change soft breeze upon our faces.

Today I am thankful for:

dusk. my favorite time of day.

Sunday afternoon pot roast shared with special friends.

The promise of something new.

Freshly washed clothes, with the scent of cleanliness clinging to it.

the smell of freshly baked bread.

Bread Baking

As I begin writing, the bread is kneaded and rising under the warmpth its dishcloth quilt. It has been pushed down and pressed together, now just waiting for the yeast to allow the oatmeal dough to rise.


I was reading Henri Nouwen's book With Burning Hearts, a meditation on the eucharistic life. He writes of when Jesus walked with the disciples on the road to Emmaus and then broke bread with them. Another reminder, that whispers to me of the presence of Christ in the ordinary, the sacredness of homes and familes. As I stirred, measure, and kneaded the dough that will become the bread we use to fill our stomachs, I pondered the words of Nouwen that I had read only minutes before.

"What we desire is not simply to give food, but to give ourselves"

As my hands pushed the dough down again, I wondered who would take this loaf and break it. Whose stomachs would the bread fill? Would we be in conversation while the bread was eaten? The words of Nouwen spoke into my life, they gave words to my desire to open this home and share this food with whomever passes by. It allowed the simple bread, the process of creating the bread, all to become a tangible way of seeing God's sacred work in the ordinary.

All of which speak to the very essence of the longing within my heart. The longing to know the heart of God, not just know it in terms of knowledge but in ways of letting it permeate all of who I am. It is opening my eyes to the work of Emmanuel, God with us. Even in the most ordinary parts of life.

It is the story of God who wants to come close to us, so close that we can see him with our own eyes, hear him with our own ears, touch him with our hands; so close that there is nothing between us and him, nothing that separates, nothing that divides, nothing that creates distance. Jesus is God for us, God with us, God within us.

Quotes from With Burning Hearts by Henri J.M. Nouwen

Thoughts

I have not been blogging nearly as much as I have wanted to. It seems that life has gone from being simple without many demands into a fuller swing demanding schedule. I enjoy almost all that is happening in life right now, it is asking more of me but I am enjoying giving what I can.

picture is from http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/images/Office_and_Stationer_g145-Folders_p3984.html

When approached by the idea of the process of grief being slow and tedious, I shyed away. I didn't want to have to even think about having to let go of something I had hoped I let go. The process of saying goodbye is much longer and more complicated then I could have ever imagined. But I am learning, slowly, very slowly.

She lifted her eyes from the steps that her feet were taking. Her eyes moved from watching the wildflowers blow in the wind to the beautiful big sky above her. It was vast, stretching farther then she could imagine. When her eyes had lifted to something so large and imense, she realized that she had been focused on something small and intricte. The wildflowers were part of her path no doubt, they were beautiful and noticing them was important. But sometimes, you have to lift your eyes up to see the larger picture. Details are important, holy pieces of ordinary life, but taking a moment to see in front of you, to grasp the enormity of all our stories is just as important.

picture from http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/images/Flowers_g74-Bed_Of_Daisies_p3857.html

Saying goodbye is a small part of my story. A tiny piece in the chasm of a much larger story. I want to notice the holy detail, to grasp the beauty and pain in what is befalling my footsteps. But I also want to remember the enormity of the story. Pain, goodbyes, and grief; they are only paragraphs in the story.

Spiritual Food

"My food" said Jesus, "is to do the will of Him who sent me and to finish His work." John 4:34.

His words whispered to my heart. It was as if they jumped from the words on the page in this beloved gospel of John, into the depths of my heart. The words were lodged within me for awhile as I pondered them, asking questions of what Jesus was really speaking to and for what reason.

Food is something that we need on a daily basis. It is the staple for our energy, wellness, and wholeness - it shows our humanity. When Jesus spoke these words into motion he had just had an encounter with a broken woman by the well. He had spoken to her of the living water found within himself and ministered to her bleeding heart. After this, his disciples had come back to their teacher after an excursion to find some food. They returned with the food, expecting their master to be hungry but instead he would use this moment as a teaching moment, a time to step into their lives and help them grasp the enormity of the gospel.

It was as if he was speaking to my heart instead of to his disciples so many years ago. Just as he was showing them where they should be finding their daily staple, their way of wholeness, and energy to go about life in abundance, he too was speaking into my life. Reminding me of my need to be lodged within the will, heart, and words of Christ.

This was the message of the food, my humanity, and my need for a Savior.

Gifts of the Present

"Joy and laughter are gifts of living in the presence of God and trusting that tomorrow is not worth worrying about. It always strikes me that rich people have much money, while the poor people have much time. And when there is much time life can be celebrated... Money and success are not the problem; the problem is the absence of free, open time when God can be encountered in the present and life can be lifted up in its simple beauty and goodness." Henri Nouwen

Nouwen continues to be one of the most profound Spiritual authors in my opinion. I have been reading his books for the last four years, off and on, whenever I can get my hands on one of his books. I picked up four of his books at a used book sale the other week and have enjoyed reading them. This quote is taken from the book Here and Now.

In time it is as if God keeps prodding me with this aspect of time and simplicity. Showing me how important it is to have rhythm and rhyme to my life. I've learned that the most important things are not about jobs and money, but about relationship and growth in them. I admire my sister as she makes sacrifices right now in her life to make sure that her time is spent as a full time Momma. I see the difficulty of the transition for her family but I know that it is truly a gift from God that they can pursue her being a full time Momma.

I am enjoying these months of spring and summer without school. I'm excited for the upcoming fall, grateful for a graduate assistant ship and the freedom that brings into my life. God does provide, I'm learning to trust that and rest assured in his faithfulness.

The lessons of life, they never stop happening.

gratitude

I am thankful today for:

time with my sister
sunshine and thunderstorms
newly born neices
library books that are new and inviting
early mornings spent with Him and a cup of coffee

Book Review

I picked up Thomas Moore's book Soul Care when we were in Wellsboro for our honeymoon. It was in a used book store, I had heard good things about it before, so I decided to give it a go.

Moore was a Catholic Monk for twelve years and is an astute scholar. He hold three different degrees in theology, music, and pyschology. This book is his thoughts on how one can take care of their soul, how important it is to take care of your soul, and the lack of soul tending that is in society today.

I found this book intriguing. It dealt with some of the issues that I have been faced with in my own life and the desire that I have for beauty and simplicity. Moore writes on the importance of taking care of your soul through and sacredness. He writes of spirituality, how religion is sometimes not enough for the depth of the soul. There is a lot of retelling of mythical tales throughout, the stories of the greek gods. He interweaves the symbolism of these tales and what they tell us about living throughout the book.

The last three chapters of the book were by far my favorite and in my opinion the basis of the book. Within these chapters he writes of rythm, ritual, and connecting your head to your heart. There is a lot of writing about the sacredness in the ordinary and how we can experience that in everyday life. Moore says that "culturally we have a plastic espohagus, suited perhaps to fast food and fast living, but not conducive to the soul, which thrives only when life is taken in in a long slow process of digestion and absorption" (206). In this quote, Moore hits on the radical pace of American life, how fast we go without time for reflection and rest.

I think that Moore spends to much time in teaching how to understand dreams and the images that we see in our sleep. Although I do agree that our dreams do speak into our lives, I could have had a lot less of this within the book. His writing is at times weighty and hard to read through but all in all this was a good book. I would recomend this book if you were looking for ways to slow down, searching for your identity, or simply wanting to cultivate ordinary sacredness in life.

I shall end this with a quote that Moore has on how we can care for the soul through sacredness. He says that "To live with a high degree of artfulness means to attend to the small things that keep the soul engaged in whatever we are doing, and it is the very heart of soul-making" (285).

dreams, passions, callings...

While preparing for the confirmation class that V and I are leading, I found myself challenged. This specific lesson is on callings, based off of God's calling Moses and then the excuses that Moses offered God. The workbook as a place for the students to write about their passions, spiritual gifts, and personality. In preparing I did the workbook questions in my own personal journal. What poured from my heart challenged me, surprised me, and leaves me wondering what God is up to. This is what came from the pen held in my hand, I call it, the words of my heart.

My passions as of late, which in time have been developing, are children and horses. If I had no restrictions of time or money, the group of people or the cause that I would chose to work with are foster children. I want to give them a home, love, and nurture. I want to use horses as a means of therapeutic love for them. In the perfect world, I would have a home full of children needing a home and a barn full of horses needing rehabilitation. Giving both horses and children the safety and nurture that they need.

My beloved V would say that I am passionate about my faith, broken people, horses, the country and farms, family, and children.

My Spiritual gifts, according to a inventory taken both in college and recently, say that my spiritual gifts are:
Shepherding
Teaching
Showing Mercy
How the three of these will combine, I am not sure.

My personality is one that loves people. I enjoy the interactions of relationships and long to learn how to love people better. I like a good balance of relationships and stimulation intellectually. I love to learn and am best to be around when I am learning something in my life (which is rather easy because aren't we all students?). I love leading, and organizing. I like to write things out: goals, lesson plans, or creating curriculum.

In the end, this is how my passions, personality, and dreams were summed up:

My passion is for the country. For farms, fields, dirt, horses, grass, and the community of rural people. I want to raise children in this kind of place, where they can run, roam, and rest. I want to give kids who have seen neglect, abuse, or have just not known the reality of love, the opportunity to be in a safe and caring place - where they can learn to dream, thrive, and be fully alive.

These words came to my mind as I shaped this dream in my head: Simplicity,good nutrition, gardening, relationships with animals and people, reading, education, play, rest, books, saddles and bridles, freshly baked bread, the twinkling of stars, and the sound of peepers on a spring night.

This is not what I had imagined for myself ten years ago, but I feel inspired and motivated to continue to pursue the dreams that God has laid out for my V and I.

Settling In

Tonight was my first night making pizza for dinner. I had helped Mom before but never done it on my own. So I was determined tonight to make homeade veggie pizza. It turned out really well and Vince liked it, so I would say it was a success.

I had a job interview today that I think went pretty well. I am anxious to hear from them how it went and if I have the job or not. I am learning more of what it means to be still and wait. As hard as it may be, I hope that it is teaching me of a deeper and abiding joy found in the presence of Christ.

My heart yearns for the country. I wonder sometimes when this will ever go away, will I always long for the country? Where my toes can sink into the garden while I weed away the things that threaten the food I am growing, where I can come home at night smelling like a bunch of horses, when I can teach the children who need me, and finally when I can share dinner my own family. I try to silence these thoughts, to push away my desire to be in the place where my roots go so deep. But they persist in coming back... Someday land of by being, I will be back home.

Gratitude

There is much happening in our ordinary life. As soon as I think that transition is over, it occurs again. Change brings amazing new and beautiful things. But along with it comes pain and trial. My heart is learning to be still and wait upon the creator of all things, to trust in his faithfulness when all else is crazy, and lean on his wisdom.

Today I am grateful for:

Beautiful sunshine that fills the day with warmpth after a few days of cold rain.

The taste of coffee after so long of not being able to drink it.

Mornings that start with spending time in quiet in His presence with books by Peterson and Rauschenbush.

Pens that write smoohly and spill out the contents of my heart on a journal page, thus giving me peace.

The smell of things just cleaned.

Catching Up

With a cup of earl gray tea steaming from its mug sitting next to me on the table, I am going to take a minute to fill you in on the happenings within our lives.

The last few weeks have been the beginings of a life together, times of frustration and adjusting, as well as times of laughter and joy. We have enjoyed looking through the pictures of the wedding that have been posted on facebook and look forward to the pictures yet to come. We have encountered great generousity in opening the gifts and cards from all of our friends!

The pictures that are posted are from our honeymoon, at the bed and breakfast that we stayed at and then a picture of hiking the grand canyon.

And this is from the beautiful PA Grand Canyon that we were able to hike part of one day!

So begins this new life....

It was a beautiful. All that we could have hoped and imagined. The occasion was joyous. We were surrounded by faithful friends who had traveled from far and near. We were met with parents who offered us their love and support. Words can't explain it all today so I am going to post a few pictures that our photographer, Rodney Cool took.

We are currently on our honeymoon. Vince is still sleeping soundly. Its been a really nice time away, we are in Wellsboro, PA which is close to the PA Grand Canyon. Were staying at a french bed and breakfast in the middle of town, I have pictures on the camera but not uploaded yet. Soon to come.

After the wedding, I've been thinking about the relation of Christ to the church - the sacred marriage that forever brings together Christ and His people. From the moment of walking down the asile, to the first dance, where I was held in the arms of my beloved, to the joy found in the fellowshipping of the people I can't help but think about the great marriage feast. What we tasted in our wedding was only the beginning of something which will be much greater when we are celebrating our marriage to the lamb.

And so, as I make vows to my husband, to be his loyal companion and lover until death. I too renew the vows to Christ, my Savior and my God. I give myself to him again, promising my heart to be his and walking in his ways.